The Daily Mauling: 3.24.2023
Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone and that metal plate I got in ‘Nam.
The Daily Mauling: 3.23.2023
I’ve always admired car owners. And I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off Mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
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The Daily Mauling: 3.22.2023
I stand on my record - 15 crashes and not a single fatality.
The Daily Mauling: 3.21.2023
I’m Henry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eighth, I am, I am. I’ve been eating since 6:00 a.m. For dessert I’ll have dinner again. My name’s synonymous with gluttony. I’ll always eat a turkey or a ham.
The Daily Mauling: 3.20.2023
Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children’s cartoon show?
The Daily Mauling: 3.17.2023
"Activities: none. Sports: none. Honors: none." So many memories.
The Daily Mauling: 3.16.2023
Other cultures are fine. I’m just saying I can get along in life without a "toothbrush."
The Daily Mauling: 3.15.2023
If you were 17, we’d be rich. But no… you had to be ten.
The Daily Mauling: 3.14.2023
Lobster hat, fishnet Speedo Jr., wheelie shoes... invisible-dog leash. Well, I’m packed.
The Daily Mauling: 3.10.2023
Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi!
The Daily Mauling: 3.9.2023
I can’t believe you didn’t invite me, after I painted those cool stripes all over your car.
The Daily Mauling: 3.8.2023
No, they didn’t. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.
The Daily Mauling: 3.6.2023
My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist… But he is not a porn star!
The Daily Mauling: 3.2.2023
Actually, my refrigerator wasn’t running. You spared me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man
The Daily Mauling: 2.28.2023
Homer, I owe you one, buddy. No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster than a lady cast me in a commercial. I tell ya’ the way these checks keep coming— It’s almost criminal.
The Daily Mauling: 2.24.2023
‘m sorry. I’m not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn’t all go to Gudger College.
The Daily Mauling: 2.23.2023
Now wait just a minute. We’re twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. just tell us your idea, and we’ll vote for it.
The Daily Mauling: 2.22.2023
That’s all well and good. But it’s not really your idea, is it, now, Marge?
The Daily Mauling: 2.21.2023
Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
The Daily Mauling: 2.20.2023
Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him. Oh, yeah!
The Daily Mauling: 2.17.2023
Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge. Uh, revenge? That’s it. I’m gettin’ out of here.
The Daily Mauling: 2.15.2023
Uh, ma’am, what if you’re a really good person, but you’re in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
The Daily Mauling: 2.14.2023
It was an unusually warm February 14th... so the children walked home without jackets.
The Daily Mauling: 2.13.2023
Oh I don’t care if it takes me all night. I’m going to get me that lobster harmonica. Come on, lobstie!
The Daily Mauling: 2.10.2023
Let the record show that the witness made the drinky-drinky motion
The Daily Mauling: 2.9.2023
You folks are free to roam the grounds. Just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
The Daily Mauling: 2.8.2023
We caught her! We caught the Baby Sitter Bandit. She’s tied up at our house right now.