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The Weekend Mauling: 6.25.2022

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago, and very little has changed. It stank then, and it stinks now

The Daily Mauling: 6.24.2022

Marge! We need some more Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry Ice Cream!

The Daily Mauling: 6.23.2022

We should be safe up here. I’m pretty sure fires can’t climb trees

The Daily Mauling: 6.22.2022

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way!

The Daily Mauling: 6.21.2022

Pfft. Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream

The Daily Mauling: 6.20.2022

Movies aren’t stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny!

The Weekend Mauling: 6.18.2022

And so, as the rats’ milk is returned to the sewers, the circle of life is complete

The Daily Mauling: 6.17.2022

I put my homemade football on hold, and set to work making the world’s greatest bat

The Daily Mauling: 6.16.2022

The Bible says a lot of things. Shove her

The Daily Mauling: 6.15.2022

There are some who say Hitler’s skeleton is in the trunk, others say just a spare tire. I’m a busy man, so I haven’t checked yet

The Daily Mauling: 6.14.2022

Y’ello? You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel

The Daily Mauling: 6.13.2022

Marge, with today’s gasoline prices, we can’t afford NOT to buy a pony

The Weekend Mauling: 6.11.2022

When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises, and when he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys

The Daily Mauling: 6.10.2022

Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman, George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements

The Daily Mauling: 6.9.2022

Well, hot dog! We have a wiener!

The Daily Mauling: 6.8.2022

Who’s voice is that? Is that Fred? Oh, you said it was over. No, don’t put him on! Hello, Fred!

The Daily Mauling: 6.7.2022

Mr. Teeny needs a refill of his nicotine gum

The Daily Mauling: 6.6.2022

Are you saying ‘Boo’ or ‘Boo-Urns’?!"

The Weekend Mauling: 6.4.2022

I just had the most beautiful dream where I died

The Daily Mauling: 6.3.2022

First of all, his accuser is a very shady character. That waiter, Mr. Lacoste, not only wasn’t born in Springfield, he wasn’t even born in this country!

The Daily Mauling: 6.2.2022

Alright, then to decide it, I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. The Queen herself shall drop the checkered flag

The Daily Mauling: 6.1.2022

DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF. Hey…this isn’t the YMCA

The Daily Mauling: 5.31.2022

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant

The Memorial Mauling: 5.30.2022

To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips that resemble celebrities. They’re all here. Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno

The Weekend Mauling: 5.28.2022

That’s okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could

The Daily Mauling: 5.27.2022

Everything’s Electric

The Daily Mauling: 5.26.2022

Oh, I’d love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

The Daily Mauling: 5.25.2022

I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal command. End communication

The Daily Mauling: 5.24.2022

Duff beer for me. Duff beer for you. I’ll have a Duff. You have one too

The Daily Mauling: 5.23.2022

Do you want to know the terrifying truth? Or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?!

The Weekend Mauling: 5.21.2022

I don’t know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good

The Daily Mauling: 5.20.2022

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I…Oh, how can I stay mad at you?