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The Daily Mauling: 1.19.2022

Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless

The Daily Mauling: 1.18.2022

You gotta help us, Doc. We’ve tried nothin’ and we’re all out of ideas!

The Daily Mauling: 1.17.2022

Yeah, that’s one fine looking barbecue pit...WHY DOESN’T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?!

The Daily Mauling: 1.15.2022

BART, YOU WANT SOME BROWNIE BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!

The Daily Mauling: 1.14.2022

Oh, all I brought is a dime. I didn’t know there’d be pornography

The Daily Mauling: 1.13.2022

Oh, yeah. Smells like church

The Daily Mauling: 1.12.2022

Uh, Hugh Jass? Somebody check the men’s room for a Hugh Jass?!

The Daily Mauling: 1.11.2022

There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you’ll ever say and nobody heard it

The Daily Mauling: 1.10.2022

Martin Prince, report to my office at once.* "And bring that big, juicy, chess club brain of yours along with you.

The Weekend Mauling: 1.8.2022

Stand up and cheer, Cheer long and loud for dear Montana State

The Daily Mauling: 1.7.2022

People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight

The Daily Mauling: 1.6.2022

No one’s gay for Moleman

The Daily Mauling: 1.5.2022

‘Carpal Tunnel Syndrome’? No. ‘Lumber Lung’? No. ‘Juggler’s Despair’? No. ‘Achy-Breaky Pelvis’? No. Oh, I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy!

The Daily Mauling: 1.4.2022

Wow. It’s like there’s a party in my mouth…and everyone’s invited!

The Daily Mauling: 1.3.2022

Ahh. The joys of mortgaging your future

The Daily Mauling: 12.30.2021

You’d love it. It’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch. But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don’t get completely what you’d get at breakfast but you get a good meal

The Daily Mauling: 12.29.2021

Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?

The Daily Mauling: 12.28.2021

Oh, Puppy Goo Goo, fetch me a dream

The Daily Mauling: 12.27.2021

Hey, I’m the Chief here. Bake him away, toys

The Christmas Mauling: 12.25.2021

The Daily Mauling: 12.24.2021

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak!

The Daily Mauling: 12.23.2021

So have yourself a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, ‘Kwazy’ Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan

The Daily Mauling: 12.22.2021

Holy jumping Caesar’s catfish! My H has been stolen!

The Daily Mauling: 12.21.2021

Ah, fire. Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows...eradicator of dead wood

The Daily Mauling: 12.20.2021

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand please mash the keypad with your palm now

The Weekend Mauling: 12.18.2021

Oh. Uh, I’m, uh, I’m on a road. Looks to be asphalt. Um, aw, geez. Trees, shrubs. I’m directly under the Earth’s sun...now

The Daily Mauling: 12.17.2021

I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy...This is going to get worse before it gets better

The Daily Mauling: 12.16.2021

Door to door sugar? Oh, what a marvellous idea. What’s that Mother? I’m just talking to the sugar man. Mother I’m a big boy, I can do as I wish!

The Daily Mauling: 12.15.2021

Oh, please, there’s only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain’t Santa

The Daily Mauling: 12.14.2021

Japan. Except over there he’s called ‘Annual Gift Man’ and he lives on the moon

The Daily Mauling: 12.13.2021

EVERYONE WHO’S FOUND TRUE LOVE MAY LEAVE EARLY TODAY!

The Weekend Mauling: 12.11.2021

The Monkees weren’t about music, Marge. They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval!

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