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The Weekend Mauling: 9.11.2021

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Why, there are no children here at the 4H club, either! Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are wrong.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 03 South Dakota at Kansas Photo by Scott Winters/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

The Rock Chalkboard

Lance Leipold impressed by 'gritty,' 'tough' QB Jason Bean
You'd be hard pressed to take too many positives from a 27-point loss to a Group of Five program, especially after a nail-biter win against an FCS squad the week before. But if Kansas has discovered its starting quarterback for the next year — and possibly as many as two more after that — the 49-22 margin easily will take a backseat.

New additions keep the Big 12 stable and exciting, but won't change championship outlook
As for the Power Five, the autonomy conferences appear stable after this latest news. The SEC is a looming juggernaut while the ACC, Big Ten and Pac-12 have formed an alliance to battle against it. The Big 12 could add more teams down the line, but it’s sticking at 12 for now.

Phog.net's player of the game: Kansas at Coastal Carolina (Game 2)
There was little debate in picking a player of the game from the second contest. The Kansas defense struggled while the play of the offense was largely inconsistent — save for the player at the helm of it.

Quick recap & instant analysis: Kansas football at Coastal Carolina
Kansas entered Friday's game, the second contest of the Lance Leipold-era, fresh off a win over South Dakota. But Coastal Carolina obviously presented a greater challenge, going 11-1 — with a win over Kansas — a season ago.

Reaction: League members, media welcome new-look Big 12
“The Big 12 Conference Board of Directors this morning voted to extend membership invitations to Brigham Young University, the University of Central Florida, the University of Cincinnati, and the University of Houston to join the Conference.

Conference realignment: Big 12 formally invites BYU, Cincinnati, Houston and UCF to join
The next move, which should only be a formality, will be for the four schools to formally accept the Big 12’s invitation, something BYU and Houston did shortly after the invitation. According to a press release from BYU, the Cougars will begin Big 12 competition during the 2023-24 athletic season. Houston is also set to begin competition "as soon as 2023."

Bits o Chalk

College football Week 2 -- What we'll learn from the biggest games
After the fire hose of Week 1, the second week of the college football season might be a little more selective in the information it gives us. Alabama, Oklahoma, Clemson and Cincinnati play FCS opponents, and there are only two ranked-versus-ranked games on the slate. But those two games will be awfully enlightening, and we'll learn quite a bit more about some important young quarterbacks and coordinators. Let's walk through the most interesting questions and matchups of the weekend.

Michigan Wolverines AD denies making apology to Chris Webber
"I enjoyed the conversation with Chris when we met several years ago," Manuel said in a statement through the school. "But I can assure you I made no apology to Chris and, for those who may be curious, I never asked him to apologize to the University of Michigan. I wish Chris nothing but the best, and I'm happy that he's being inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame."

Los Angeles Lakers again trade Marc Gasol to Memphis Grizzlies, who plan to waive veteran
The Lakers will save approximately $10 million in salary and luxury tax and acquire the draft rights to Memphis' Wang Zhelin. The Lakers have 13 guaranteed contracts before the start of training camp this month.

Source -- Georgia QB JT Daniels trying to play despite oblique injury
Georgia plans to start redshirt freshman Carson Beck at quarterback Saturday, a source told ESPN's Mark Schlabach, unless injured starter JT Daniels has his way.

Cristiano Ronaldo makes second Manchester United debut in Premier League
Ronaldo, 36, spent six seasons at United between 2003 and 2009, winning eight major trophies and scoring 118 goals. He rejoined them from Juventus last month on a two-year contract and made his second debut for the club in the game that began at 10 a.m. ET.

Eraser Dust

An Oral History of The Onion’s 9/11 Issue
On September 27, 2001, the satirical newspaper The Onion published a new issue following a brief hiatus due to the September 11th terrorist attacks. It was a precarious time in comedy, with many humorists having yet to return and guys like Letterman and Jon Stewart deciding to play it straight instead of crack a joke. But in their first issue back, The Onion did what it always did — it told jokes. With headlines like “Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie” and “Not Knowing What Else to Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,” The Onion found the pitch-perfect way to approach humor in a very sensitive time. Now, nearly 20 years later, the issue is widely considered to be an important part of comedy history — even an important part of the broader cultural history surrounding 9/11.

Los Angeles Lakers again trade Marc Gasol to Memphis Grizzlies, who plan to waive veteran
The Lakers will save approximately $10 million in salary and luxury tax and acquire the draft rights to Memphis' Wang Zhelin. The Lakers have 13 guaranteed contracts before the start of training camp this month.

How 9/11 shaped Joe Biden’s approach to the politics of national tragedy - POLITICO
In those subsequent moments, Biden made his entrance into a dark and difficult chapter in U.S. history, one that would see him play an instrumental role in the U.S. response over the course of two decades. In the process, he gave the American public one of the first real glimpses of a personality trait that has come to define his career in politics and his conduct in the presidency. The then-Senator’s first inclination in the milieu of fear and chaos was that he had the responsibility, perch, and unique skill set to comfort; and that he needed to find a way to speak to the public.

U.S. pulls missile defenses in Saudi Arabia amid Yemen attacks - POLITICO
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates — The U.S. has removed its most advanced missile defense system and Patriot batteries from Saudi Arabia in recent weeks, even as the kingdom faced continued air attacks from Yemen’s Houthi rebels, satellite photos analyzed by The Associated Press show.

Walmart is ending these bonuses for store workers - CNN
Walmart (WMT), the largest private employer in the United States, has for decades paid the bonuses to its approximately 1.2 million hourly store workers based on store performance. The end of the practice means that while many workers will see their hourly pay rise in January, their total compensation next year may not look as rosy as initially perceived when Walmart announced those increases last week.

'Jeopardy!' Fans Are Rejoicing Over the Show's Incredible Announcement on Instagram
Every night, fans remember longtime game show host Alex Trebek while watching Jeopardy!. Now, more will feel his incredible impact through a new center aiming to help people experiencing homelessness in Los Angeles.

Volunteers sought for painting of Kalispell pedestrian tunnels
Back in July, mural paintings were finished on the entrances of two pedestrian tunnels along Kalispell’s shared-use trail system. Mural painting will begin on the interior walls of a tunnel located near Glacier High School will begin on Wednesday.

Saturday Night Live is officially back on October 2
Great news for anyone suffering from an absence of Bowen Yang, or political cold opens of wildly varying quality, in their lives: Saturday Night Live is just a month away from coming back. The long-running sketch series announced its October 2 (a Saturday, we believe) return on Twitter last night, via a video that was light on sketch comedy or recognizable sketch comedians, heavy on empty stages and cheerful screaming.

Song of the Day