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Seven Ways to Fix Kansas’ Issues

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From hypnotists to Prison Mitch, we cover all the options.

NCAA Basketball: Kansas at Tennessee Randy Sartin-USA TODAY Sports

If T.S. Eliot was alive to watch this Kansas team and was asked to write about it for Rock Chalk Talk (why would he say no?), he would probably write: “This is the way January ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.”

This stretch that the Jayhawks are on is...ugly. Funk is not a strong enough word. They are completely out of sorts.

So as I’m sure Bill Self is doing as well, I’ve been trying to think of anything at all that this staff and program can do to get things right. Here are seven options to consider. And before you call any of these “unlikely,” “ridiculous,” or “stupid,” let me remind you that desperate times call for desperate measures.

1. Hire a hypnotist

Ochai Agbaji and Christian Braun are ice cold from three. Jalen Wilson is a shell of his November self. This team has some mental struggles to work out. Bring a hypnotist and put him on retainer for the rest of the season to convince the players they are going to make every shot and make them completely forget about their recent struggles.

2. Cue the alumni pep talk

I’m sure the team is tired of Self preaching the same things every day. Sometimes it helps to have a fresh voice echo those sentiments. Recruit Devonte’ Graham, Frank Mason, Mario Chalmers, and whoever else to remind them what it means to be a Jayhawks and how they can turn this around.

3. Send the coaching staff to a shaman

You know those huts where a shaman gives you something to smoke and it’s 100 degrees in there and it causes you to see visions and understand more about your life? For those that have watched Billions, I’m talking about the type of place Axe and Wags went in the first episode of season 5. Self and the rest of the coaching staff should go and will come back with a whole new vision of how to get this team to click.

4. Start Chris Teahan

Listen, not only is he one of the best 3-point threats on the team, but his presence will catch the opposing team off guard. Not to mention the majesty of his hair will distract defenders and open up the offense.

5. Create voodoo dolls

Listen, we don’t condone violence here, so I’m not talking about breaking legs. But maybe have someone make voodoo dolls of the top two players on each opposing team moving forward and cause a slight pinch in their shooting arm each time they rise up for a shot or maybe their stomach gets upset at inopportune times.

6. Unleash Prison Mitch

This team needs some fight, some attitude. This team needs Prison Mitch. Opponents are getting too comfortable taking it to the rim or grabbing rebounds. Start Mitch, let him wear a bandana during the game, and get out of his way.

7. Bring in a ringer

The Jayhawks could use a new presence to unlock the offense. Self needs to look at some area players that could come in and play immediately starting on Tuesday. A couple that come to mind are Lawrence resident Dwayne Seimens and Kansas City’s Tyler Redd. Their games will remind fans of past Jayhawks Wayne Simien and Tyrel Reed, but I assure you there is no relation.