clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Player Ratings to the Theme of Air Freshener Scents

New, 8 comments
Febreze’s “The Freshness” Album Drop Party At Poppy, Los Angeles Photo by Joe Scarnici/Getty Images for Febreze

For this ever so scientific post, I ventured over to the Febreze website to see all the different scents on offer. There are seemingly thousands. Here is what sounded good and terrible to me. For the purpose of clarity (because that’s what we all need when comparing basketball performances to air fresheners), I only used Febreze AIR and not any of their various other products.

5 Stars: Lilac

I love lilac scented things and it is the best scent for air fresheners, candles, etc. You can’t change my mind on this so don’t even try.

Is it ok to rate a player at five stars just for the breakaway dunks that he had because that’s what I’m doing for Ochai Agbaji. The windmill slam was amazing, but the KC senior had a few other breakaway dunks too. It seemed like he could’ve run all night. Finished with 16 points and seven boards.

Christian Braun has been a man on a mission this season. He was all over the floor again, making threes, driving the lane, and diving for loose balls on the floor. Pretty balanced from Braun as he has 12 in the first and 10 in the second.

4.5 Stars: Gain

This smell always smells way better than any clothes do once they’re washed. I also like the “Gainiac” commercials starring the guy from Hot Tub Time Machine.

Dajuan Harris was very composed on the night, taking what was there for himself and providing for his teammates the rest of the time. Finished with a career high 14 on perfect shooting from the floor.

4 Stars: Lavender

This truly should be the five star as it is one of the only essential oils on this list. Lavender is great, but I prefer mine straight from the plant or in a diffuser because I’m a snob.

David McCormack was good in this matchup, probably because he was constantly matched up with a player of his own size. He finished with 16 points, but still missed a few too many easy ones to be higher in the ratings.

I love Remy Martin so this rating may be a little high, but for me the best Remy highlight was (as Jesse Newell pointed out on Twitter) when he congratulated Ochai for a made three after it had just left his hands.

3.5 Stars: Fresh Cut Pine

I love Pine Sol when I mop the floors at home, so I’m assuming I’d love this scent as well. Maybe it smells like true pine? Even better!

I’m going to slot Jalen Wilson right here for his second half performance. Hopefully he can build on that and Kansas can have another true threat.

3 Stars: Peony and Cedar

The typical three star. Cedar sounds awesome! Peony sounds too floral. Why did they combine these again?

Mitch Lightfoot had that one dunk, so why not, three stars it is.

Like the announcers said during the broadcast, I liked KJ Adams’s energy in this one. He’s one to watch for next season for sure.

2 Stars: Forest

If this was a true forest scent, I’d assume this smells like wet leaves and have that thick resiny, pine smell that makes hiking through a pure forest enjoyable. This most likely smells fake and made up.

Jalen Coleman-Lands chucked and missed quite a bit in his six minutes.

1 Star: Harvest Pumpkin

Pumpkins smell terrible. I assume this is pumpkin spice, which makes it even stupider.

As a hater of all things pumpkin, I can easily declare that no one was this bad.

Joel Branstrom Memorial No-Star:

Zach Clemence, Joseph Yesufu, Chris Teahan, and Michael Jankovich all played but didn’t really contribute anything.