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Player Ratings to the Theme of Kids’ Drinks

Juice box or juice?

Kansas v Baylor Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Alright, I’ll admit to not being an expert on this subject since I don’t have kids, but I was once a kid, so there is an awareness there. Anyway, let’s rate the performances based on what kids like to drink (or rather, what I’d drink if I were a kid).

5 Stars: Capri Sun

When I was a kid, even after walking uphill to school and from school in unrelenting snow and ice, I ALWAYS wanted a Capri Sun. That pouch was what got me, I think. It was just so satisfying to stab that straw in there and just so regretful when you wadded up the pouch from every angle just to get that last precious drip of sweet Capri Sun.

Udoka Azubuike. What a game from the big Nigerian. He was as dominant as a big guy can be. He had 23 points (16 on dunks) and 17 rebounds. The best is how a guy that basically averages a double-double played the “no one believed in me” card after the game. Classic.

4.5 Stars: Chocolate Milk

This stuff is still the bomb. I’m thinking about doing a types of milk post later, and magically, this will not be the five star.

Marcus Garrett is a machine. Another nine point, seven assist, four rebound game from the Dallas junior.

4 Stars: Juice Boxes

A classic. You can get healthy juice boxes, or you can get juice boxes that are practically liquid sugar, your choice. Plus, the 4.5 star in this post also comes in a box sometimes. Win-win.

Isaiah Moss had a solid game (11 points, three rebounds) and I want him on the floor for his foul shooting late in games.

Devon Dotson is starting to make threes a little more consistently although he only made one of four on Saturday. Even against Baylor’s vaunted D, he still got to the hole when he wanted. As a KU fan, that’s a combo of play I want to see.

3.5 Stars: Fruit Juices, specifically apple

Why do kids like apple juice so much? It is clearly the worst of all the major juices. Maybe their palates haven’t developed to like orange, mango, pineapple, cherry, grapefruit, and the million other flavors of juice that aren’t apple or grape. Still good though.

No one slots into this tasty spot.

3 Stars: Soda

Controversy. Should you give your kids the sweet, sweet nectar of soda pops? Who am I to judge, I don’t have kids. I just know they love soda when given the chance. On the rare occasions that I had soda as a kid, I savored every moment…just kidding, I chugged it and begged for more.

Christian Braun played hard out there and scored four points.

2 Stars: Sunny-D

Fake orange juice. Gross.

David McCormack pulled the old T.J. Pugh stat line and had more fouls (five) than points or minutes played (four each). On a day that it would’ve been nice to give Dok some rest and use a big man than can make free throws at the end, Big Dave failed.

1 Star: Milk

We’ve debated this before. If you are an adult and still drink a glass of milk for no reason, what are doing? At least plunge an Oreo in there, you weirdo.

Ochai Agbaji. Might’ve played some good defense, but the rest of his game was just awful. He concluded the awfulness by making a terrible decision on a crucial inbounding play that resulted in a turnover and a big Baylor three that brought them within one. Bill Self now needs to ask himself whether Ochai should even be on the floor late in games as he can’t pass or make free throws. A day to forget.