“Alright, this is going to hurt” Cardamom said as he picked up a giant plug connected to a long black cord.
“What are you doing? What the hell is that?” Les asked.
“This machine has the ability to upload information directly into the brains of human beings. Setup takes a few moments but you can become an expert on anything instantly.”
“So how will this prevent judgement day?” Les was understandably skeptical.
“So here is the deal,” Cardamom said as he punched some numbers into a computer. “You can prevent judgement day but the only way is to return the Kansas Jayhawk football team to a point of respectability before it’s too late. We are uploading everything we have on the game of football into your brain. We have already used our nebulizer to create a profile for you as a national championship winning coach.”
Les did not understand what any of Cardamom was talking about. “Football? Nebulizer? I don’t understand.”
“What makes up someone’s mind is but a series of memories,” Cardamom replied. “We can alter those memories to be what we want them to be with our nebulizer. We used our machine to make the people living in the year 2019 to think you won the 2007 national championship at LSU. We also,” Cardamom chuckled, “had a little fun with it. We thought it would be funny if we put you in a movie with the guy who played Superman.”
“So how does this prevent judgement day?” Les asked again, still skeptical of the alien.
“You see, in 2021 there will be a struggling engineering student at the University of Kansas. Our plan is to send you back in time as the head football coach of that university. If you can lead the team to its first bowl game in over a decade, this student will be so caught up in the celebration he will blow off his Physics final, thereby causing him to drop out of the engineering program. If he does make it to that final exam, he will go on to create the VD9 Processor which causes the machines to revolt against the humans. It’s so simple - no final, no judgement day.”
Les was silent for a while. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just use your knowledge uploader and nebulizer to wipe this kid’s memory so he fails the test?”
Cardamom stopped what he was doing. He looked at the others with a puzzled look and then looked back at Les. The aliens appeared to be telepathically communicating with each other, but Les couldn’t hear any of the conversation.
Cardamom turned back to Les. “We, uh, we didn’t think of that. Regardless, we still think sending you back in time to coach the Jayhawk football team is the best course of action. Alright no more questions. Just relax and this will be over soon.”
Cardamom went back to the computer. After typing for a few minutes he stepped away and picked up a giant needle. “Don’t worry, this will all make sense soon. As a word of caution, the knowledge uploader will leave a scar on your head, so make sure you always wear a hat. Good luck.”
With that, Les felt a searing pain in the back of his head as Cardamom shoved the needle into his skull. Images, numbers, and all sorts of unfamiliar information flooded into his brain. After a few moments, Les felt himself being sucked into some kind of vortex.
Les closed his eyes and tried to hang on.
Check in next week for the thrilling conclusion of the Biography of Les Miles!