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Player Ratings to the Theme of Things that are Bigger than Texas

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The state of Texas has annoying slogans

Texas v Kansas Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

Texas: home to slogans like “It’s like a whole other country” and “Everything is bigger in Texas.” Man, those are stupid. Let’s rate KU players based on things being bigger than Texas.

5 Stars: Alaska

First off, this article is HILARIOUS. It’s like a manual for Texas residents to ensure that they remember that their state is big. And by the way, Alaska is waaaaaay bigger than Texas you idiots. 633,300 Square miles is bigger than 268,597, high latitude distortion or not. It’s more than twice as big. Jeez.

Marcus Garrett. Nailed three triples in the first half on his way to a career high 20 points. And that reach-in for the tie up and change of possession at the end of the game? As important as any play in that game. Could that be the moment that potentially keeps the streak alive?

4.5 Stars: Rick Barnes’ coaching ability

Hey Texas, remember that guy that used to coach you? The one you got rid of to bring in that mastermind Shaka Smart? Well, don’t look now, but he’s a really good coach and he’s got Tennessee in the thick of a National Title discussion. Cool, cool. Shaka beat KU once in the tournament when everything that could fall his way did.

Lagerald Vick canned five threes in this one, none bigger than his last which gave KU a five point lead in the midst of all those Texas threes flying in at the end. Oh, and a game with zero Vick turnovers. Nice.

4 Stars: The Great Wall of China

13,170 miles long. That’s the length of China’s most famous attraction. Texas is 810 miles in a straight line from north to south (and even less east to west). So, by my calculations, you would have to travel back and forth from tip to tip over 16 times (8 round trips) to equal one wall in China. Texas is small.

It took a while for Dedric Lawson to get cooking in this one, but when the game mattered the most, KU wanted the ball in Dedric’s hands. He finished with 17 points and 8 rebounds. The fact that we consider that an off day is a testament to how good he’s been.

3.5 Stars: Chad

Chad is a country I know nothing about. I know it’s not named after a person named Chad, but for this exercise, and to mock Texas into submission, I’m pretending that it is. Chad > Texas.

Devon Dotson was pretty good at times, but he almost cost KU the game on a few occasions. First, wth just over four minutes left and after Texas burned a timeout, Devon flew to the rim in the first 10 seconds of the shot clock and was blocked. Ten seconds later, Texas canned a three to close the gap to five. He also stood around on the final three pointer that Texas made that cut the lead to one with 10 seconds to go. On the plus side, he scored 10 and had five assists and no turnovers.

Ochai Agbaji. Four points and four rebounds in this one. It shows what Bill Self thinks of him that he was out there on the court in all the critical moments despite only having played in three games.

David McCormack is still learning. He hustles a lot, but still looks like a chicken with his head cut off at times.

3 Stars: Colors that aren’t “Burnt”

With a few notable exceptions….actually burnt ends is all I can think of. With one exception, burnt is bad. What’s the matter with regular orange, Texas? The answer to all but those who like the University of Texas: nothing. It’s superior.

Quentin Grimes. Made a three early in both halves. Statistically, he didn’t do much else.

2 Stars: Myanmar

This country in southeast Asia is the closest country in the world to the size of Texas without being as big as Texas. They came up just short.

Mitch Lightfoot and Charlie Moore probably each deserve a 2.5 or 2.6666 or 2.75, but those numbers aren’t in the ratings this time (or any time).

1 Star: This list

Kinda stupid, isn’t it? No KU player was as dumb as this list.