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Player Ratings to the Theme of Girl Scout Cookies

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People like these things, right?

Pennsylvania v Kansas Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images

Please take these player ratings with a grain of salt as I listened to the majority of this game on the radio and the smooth jazz sounds of one Mr. Brian Hanni didn’t quite describe the tension in the air. The game seemed like it was just another game where KU would eventually Rock Chalk Up another win, but the game was decidedly tense, at least in my mind. But that feeling wasn’t palpable in the broadcast. In a way, I was glad to experience this game in this way, and to top off what was a pretty impressive win, let’s get a little whimsical with the player ratings.

5 Stars: Caramel Delite

These are money. Caramel, chocolate, coconut, and all in the right proportions. I love biting into these. That texture is just perfect. These used to be unique, but now, like all Girl Scout cookies, you can get a rip off version at your local grocery store for a lot less money. Oh well, delicious nonetheless, and a worthy five star.

Devonte Graham. Kansas probably would’ve been the first one seed to be knocked out by a 16 if it weren’t for Graham’s amazing first half. When they keep showing the “rest of team” stat, you know you’re dominating. Finished with 29/6/6.

4.5 Stars: Peanut Butter Patties

I don’t care what you say, these top the four star. A cookie with peanut butter all covered in chocolate. It’s exactly like a peanut butter Twix if they still made those. Those were delicious. Why don’t they make those anymore?

Mitch Lightfoot was a missed free throw away from a double-double. Did admirably in the absence of big Dok. Let’s hope he can keep it up for the rest of this run.

4 Stars: Thin Mints

This is the most overrated cookie in the history of man or woman kind. You cannot debate that fact. People treat these things like the second coming. Yes, they are delicious, but are they worth buying 20 boxes so you can “have them all year ‘round?” Nope. Still delicious though.

Lagerald Vick. Again, I couldn’t watch much, but from the seductive resonances emanating from Brian Hanni’s mouth, it sounded like Vick made some pretty important plays for KU. Finished with 14 points.

3.5 Stars: S’mores

Man, I understand that these are simply a graham cracker covered in chocolate, but they are awesome. This is my go-to cookie at the grocery store and you can get about 15 different variations on the theme. I highly suggest you make your way to your local purveyor of mass produced foods and pick up a box or twelve.

Sviatoslav Mykhailiuk. Finished with 10 points and made a few threes when it mattered most. Expect a big game out of the Ukrainian on Saturday.

3 Stars: Thanks-a-Lots

These are actually pretty good. Shortbread cookies with a layer of chocolate. Tasty. They even have the ways to say Thank you in a bunch of different languages. They should definitely be thanking us for paying $4 a box for these, though.

Malik Newman. From what I could gather, Malik’s defense wasn’t his specialty yesterday. Ended with 10 points and six boards. Look for him to break out against Seton Hall.

Marcus Garrett. Well, I watched him basically hand Penn the ball for a basket, but I can’t rate him on that one play alone. Played 22 minutes and scored 2 points. With his first NCAA game out of the way, the freshman will need to act like the proverbial sophomore from here on out.

Silvio De Sousa. I’m pretty sure that Penn made one of their runs when De Sousa entered the game although the soothing lullaby that is Brian Hanni’s voice made that stretch pretty indistinguishable.

2 Stars: Lemonade

What is this, a Thanks-a-Lot with lemon flavoring instead of chocolate? No thanks.

KU players did well enough to avoid the 2-star rating.

1 Star: Shortbread

Why would I spend $4 a box for these tasteless crackers?

No one was as bad as these things are boring.

Non-Rating:

Udoka Azubuike (Glad he got some minutes!), Sam Cunfliffe, James Sosinski, Chris Teahan.