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Player Ratings to the Theme of Bears

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Bill Walton likes the Grateful Dead

MLB: Kansas City Royals at Chicago White Sox Patrick Gorski-USA TODAY Sports

I’m not really sure what to make of that game; it was just really weird. The officiating was strange, the teams seemed sped up, thousands of shots were missed. But I’ll let some of our more analytically inclined basketball minds get to that in some other posts, and today we’ll worry about rating the players to a stupid metric.

Bill Walton “broadcasted” the game last night, and I’d really like to do a post dedicated to awesome things he said. He seemed to be hinting at the notion that an Arizona State player somehow extended his life expectancy by an hour and half by moving 12 degrees of latitude south, and he gave a brief history lesson on the Tempe valley Roman trading route, but off the cuff commentary like that seems a little difficult to judge. So, because Bill is a fan of the Grateful Dead, and because I know nothing in regards to that band, we’re rating the players by one of their primary logos, the dancing bear.

5 Stars: Polar

Majestic and beautiful, the Polar Bear is the king of the bears. These great animals are losing their natural environments because of the stupidity of human beings and the greed of major corporations and people who only care about themselves. Shameful.

Dedric Lawson. What more can this guy do? Thirty points and 14 rebounds and it still wasn’t enough to beat Arizona State. He had an offensive move for just about every defensive move that the Sun Devils sent his way. KU would’ve lost by 20 if it weren’t for him.

4.5 Stars: Grizzly

Another contender for best bear, the grizzly is a monster. Nothing in the bear world is more iconic than the grizzly standing up on its hind legs and growling with all its might. They say that if you meet one of these bad boys in the wild, that you’re supposed to stay calm and stay where you are. Nope. I’m running and will soon be mauled.

No one else was good enough to garner grizzly status.

4 Stars: Panda

The appeal of the panda is undeniable. The lines at zoos that have pandas is always long and has to be organized in a one-way, constantly moving path to accommodate the hoards. When we went to San Diego a few years ago, I watched as a giant panda chewed on some bamboo. Mesmerizing.

No one else on KU warranted a four-star rating.

3.5 Stars: Gummy

I personally like the pineapple (clear) and cherry (red) gummy bears the best. But they have to be the “hard” kind. For some reason, if they are better if they are more chewy. Haribo makes the best gummy bears and no one else is even close.

Devon Dotson. KU’s second best player on the night and the only other player that was making things happen. Finished with 12 point and 5 assists. Unfortunately, he turned it over five times as well.

3 Stars: Chicago Cubs

The three-star can go either way, and I’d assume that if you’re a baseball fan, you either love the Cubs or you hate them. When I was a kid and they were on WGN all the time, I loved Harry Caray and Steve Stone’s broadcast and the play of Andre Dawson and Ryne Sandberg. Big fan of Keith Moreland and Bob Dernier as well.

Lagerald Vick. Hit a couple of important shots, but three of eleven from deep isn’t going to cut it when no one else on the team outside of D. Lawson can score. A lot of those missed threes were wide open attempts, too.

Marcus Garrett. Shooting is not his forte, and it wouldn’t be so glaring if that particular trait wasn’t permeating the entire team.

Quentin Grimes. His aggressiveness was better, but the shots were still not going down.

Mitch Lightfoot and David McCormack. Not really their fault that the offense was running through Lawson.

2 Stars: Winnie the Pooh

I don’t understand this guy. Seemed kinda lazy to me. Nostalgia might make you question this rating, so please convince me that I’m wrong.

Charlie Moore is an enigma. Made a three that looked like it might stem the ASU tide, but did nothing else of note. Should he be the mythical 2.5? Who cares. He needs to be better.

KJ Lawson. This guy just comes out there and chucks up terrible shots.

1 Star: Baylor

This place is still allowed to have athletics?

No KU player was bad enough to be compared to Baylor