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Player Ratings to the Theme of Things I’ve Never Seen

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We’re going into this post without having watched the game.

‘The Awesomes’ VIP After-Party Sponsored By Hulu And Xbox Photo by Joe Scarnici/Getty Images for Hulu

Due to other obligations on Saturday night, I was unable to watch the Kansas/New Mexico State “game”, but do you think that will stop me from writing a ratings post? Nope. This thing is going to be done blindly. Sure, I saw some of the tweets about the game, and I caught a glimpse of about three minutes of the first half in a local brewery, but other than that, I’m going in blind. I’m looking at the box score, and making assumptions. Will I get it right? Probably not. Will I be wildly off? Yep. Looks like fun.

And in honor of going in blind, today’s ratings will be based on things I’ve never seen. Feel free to tell me how dumb I am in the comments section.

5 Stars: One of our “rivals” winning a national championship

This is clearly the five-star right? Both Kansas State and Missouri haven’t won team national titles in anything in my lifetime with K-State not having won one in anyone’s lifetime. Neither team has been to a Final Four in my lifetime (and MU has never been to one despite being historically good at the sport of basketball), but K-State came close very recently. Remember that time when all they had to do was beat an 11-seed? Spoiler: They didn’t. Another hilarious game was that time K-State could’ve made it to the natty in football, but lost to heavy underdog Texas A&M in 1998. You almost made it guys.

No Kansas player unlocked the five-star status in this one.

4.5 Stars: An episode of The Office

I’d say that The Office is the all-time favorite show of the commentariat of Rock Chalk Talk. There are random off topic threads concerning this show seemingly every week. I have no idea what in the world they are talking about.

Dedric Lawson. I got a text from a friend who was at the game that said that Dedric Lawson was the only good player KU had in this game and that single text is good enough for this post. He did have 20 and 10, so 4.5 stars it is.

4 Stars: Titanic

In 1997, the hype surrounding the Titanic movie was unprecedented. Right then and there, I decided that I was never going to watch this film. I have held true to that statement for 21 years. I’m not stopping now.

Having scanned the box-score, I don’t believe any other KU players to be even worthy of Titanic-hype status. No four-stars this time.

3.5 Stars: Bigfoot

It’s weird. I’ve seen the exact same amount of Bigfeet as people who have invested lots and lots of money, time, and resources to finding this mythical beast. There have even been several series on TV about this for some reason unbeknownst to rational thinking humans.

While looking at the box score, it appears that Marcus Garrett had an above average game. He shot 50% from two (2 of 4) and ended with 10 points. Seems decent.

Mitch Lightfoot. For a guy that often doesn’t register the typical “stats” that a posting like this would typically need, I had to do a little inferring when grading Mitch. Seems better that the people below him, but worse that the ones above him.

3 Stars: Minor Threat and Dead Kennedys

This gets the wistful three-star spot because I’m torn. Would I love to see these legendary punk bands? Yep. If I were 8-10 years younger, I surely would have. But, do I want to see them now? Nope. It wouldn’t be the same, and I’m happy that these two bands will never reunite and ruin their legacies as so many others have- looking at you Pixies.

Checks box score. Does double take. Yep, Charlie Moore started the game. Devon Dotson was ok but nothing as compared to his performances lately. KJ Lawson did some stuff, but not much. David McCormack played a little. Completely average performances.

2 Stars: A food I’m not willing to try

Perhaps this will get the comments rolling. What is something you won’t eat? I’ve eaten all around the world, and haven’t encountered anything I’d absolutely say no to. I‘ll bet that it will happen at some point, so that’s why this gets the two-star. When traveling to Cambodia, I’d heard that they sometimes offer deep fried tarantulas. Luckily, we didn’t see it, so I’m still riding the 100%....for now.

I need more than five points from Lagerald Vick. Having not seen the game will not stop me from making this assessment. Not good enough, especially in 31 minutes. He’s the only player that has shown he can make threes at a consistent rate. We’re not asking him to go crazy again from three, but he needs to be a presence again.

Quentin Grimes. I thought that Grimes had turned a corner last week against Wofford, but his minimal minutes (didn’t read anything about why he didn’t play much, just assuming) indicate that he isn’t right and Bill Self knows it.

The Sprint Center atmosphere. No need to explain this one and I thoroughly understand why KU plays a game here annually, but it just seems to always be a letdown.

1 Star: North Korea

Finally, something I’m glad about. Fortunately, no Kansas player was bad enough to be compared to North Korea. Note: There never will be one.