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Player Ratings to the Theme of Hair Bands

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Was it more of a Motley Crue night or a Dokken night?

Motley Crue’s Last Ever European Press Conference Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images

The season got under way last night, and with the baldest guys ESPN has on offer, Dan Shulman and Dick Vitale, broadcasting the game, I figured we could up the ante and rate the players according to something those two would be envious of: hair. And what better modern (?) interpretation of what hair is than comparing something to 1980’s “heavy metal” hair bands. Let’s go.

5 Stars: Motley Crue.

Motley Crue is the top hair band of all time. You can’t dispute this. With hit records like Shout at the Devil, Theatre of Pain, and Dr. Feelgood, the Crue exude hair metal immortality.

Quintin Grimes. Man, I thought the young freshman was lights out. He started off with a bang, knocking down three after three after three. Finished with 21 points and 4 assists. We’ll take that every night.

4 Stars: Poison

Man, Poison were so close to taking the top spot. Sixth grade me absolutely loved Open up and Say Ahhhhh and Look What the Cat Dragged in was a close second. Bonus points for lead singer Bret Michaels wearing that hair metal wig that he always wears because he is almost certainly completely bald.

Dedric Lawson. He was a little off from the field in this one, but he nailed a bunch of free throws (10 of 12) and grabbed 14 rebounds. A double-double in your Jayhawks debut against the likes of MSU isn’t too shabby.

Udoka Azubuike. The big Nigerian was plagued with foul trouble for a while, but did you see some of those moves on the offensive end? Give me more of that please. Finished with 17 points.

Devon Dotson is fast, man- almost too fast for his own good at times. But once he gets in sync with the rest of the crew, this team is going to be a pleasure to watch. Had 16 points and three assists, but also contributed four turnovers.

3 Stars: Bon Jovi

Here’s where we get controversial for some. People absolutely love 80’s Bon Jovi for some reason. You can’t escape a sporting event these days without hearing Livin’ on a Prayer, but c’mon, that song is terrible. The New Jersey album is far better and Bad Medicine is by far their best hit.

Mitch Lightfoot, David McCormack, Charlie Moore, KJ Lawson. I thought all these dudes were decent coming off the bench. Mitch looked a little lost in the first half (to me), but KU built their lead in that time. And McCormack had a few nice moves down low in the first frame. Charlie Moore did nothing poorly but nothing out of the ordinary at the point. For some reason I want more out of KJ Lawson.

2 Stars: Cinderella and Ratt

These two bands could not be more non-descript. Can anyone even tell these guys apart? They are the same band and no one can tell me any differently.

Lagerald Vick didn’t do anything to impress me last night, and I hope that we don’t go through giant phases of the season where we ask, “Where’s Lagerald?”

Marcus Garrett. Man, I wanted Garrett to be better than he was. Four fouls in 14 minutes (I know they were calling everything, especially early) is not good enough and will improve during the season.

1 Star: Britny Fox and Dokken

Quick, name a song by either of these bands. You can’t. And why on God’s green Earth have these bands both decided to reunite in the recent past?

Luckily, no Kansas players were as bad as these terrible bands.