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Player Ratings to the Theme of Grocery Store Cheese Blocks

Time to get generic

High Cheese Prices Cut Into Kraft’s Profits Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images

KU played Vermont. The state of Vermont is known for the production of cheese. Today, we have a cheese themed ratings. And just to clarify, I’m not talking about obvious good cheeses (Emmental, Smoked Gouda, Manchego, Brie and the like) or what some might consider hoity-toity cheeses (Camembert, Roquefort, etc). Nope, I’m talking run of the mill, you can get it in any grocery store in any small town or big city in America. To the ratings we go.

5 Stars: Pepper Jack

When I was a little kid, this was the pinnacle of cheese flavor. Tiny bits of jalapeño (or whatever pepper!) in some white cheese? Sold. Even though my palate has grown, I still really like it. An easy five star.

Lagerald Vick. Man, what a performance. Eight for eight from beyond the arc (could’ve been 10 for 10 if he hadn’t stepped on the line twice), and he single handedly kept KU in it early when no one else was doing anything. His outburst in the second half propelled KU to their comfortable lead that was never relinquished. Vick finished with a career high 32. What a game.

Udoka Azubuike. A double-double for the big Nigerian. When Kansas moved the ball around and gave Dok a chance to seal off his man (or men), it was dunk time. Finished with 23 and 11.

4.5 Stars: Crumbled Blue/Crumbled Feta

I remember the first time I had crumbled blue cheese on a salad. It was a revelation. This could be controversial because you either love or hate blue cheese, but cheap blue cheese in a tub is awesome and you’ll never change my mind. Feta is thrown in here as well and is delicious in a different way.

Unfortunately, we have a drop off in performances and no one else reached crumbled blue cheese status.

4 Stars: Cheddar (any variety)

The original orange cheese and what many Americans think of when they think of cheese. That’s kind of sad when you think about it, and it’s even sadder when you taste a true cheddar, but this stuff still dominates the American kitchen. How else can you explain the seemingly endless “different varieties”- Mild, Medium, Sharp, Extra Sharp, Longhorn shaped, etc?

Quintin Grimes. During the game, Grimes didn’t really stand out, but that stat line is impressive- ten points, ten assists, four of eight shooting including two of four from downtown. Three turnovers are still a tad high, especially considering what competition is upcoming. He’ll learn.

3.5 Stars: Grated Parmesan

Let’s be honest, this isn’t the real stuff, but it’s what most Americans recognize as Parm. This stuff is definitely an abomination if you’re a true Parmigiano-Reggiano enthusiast, but it gets the job done. Sprinkle some of this non-perishable dust on your pasta and you’re ready to roll.

Devon Dotson. Not his best game, but did finish with seven points and six boards. Probably needs to be more of a calming influence at times.

Charlie Moore. He came off the bench and provided some good minutes behind Devon Dotson.

3 Stars: Colby Jack

Colby is actually “Colby cheddar” and Monterrey Jack is a boring white cheese, so this one fits right into the non-offensive number three slot.

Mitch Lightfoot. Nondescript performance like a nondescript cheese.

2 Stars: Velveeta

Velveeta is garbage. It’s obviously not real cheese and is only good for making dips for tortilla chips. If you’re using this for anything else, what is the matter with you? Note: I’ll probably get destroyed in the comments for this ranking.

Much like how Velveeta isn’t a cheese, Dedric Lawson’s performance was not Dedric Lawson. He missed a lot of attempts from close by and couldn’t get into the scoring column. Luckily, I doubt we see this type of performance from the Memphis transfer again.

Hey Marcus Garrett, stop shooting.

1 Star: Mozzarella Block

Mozzarella block cheese is impossible to grate for your pizza which is why they have in handy pre-grated form. The block is rubbery and useless and breaks apart and deserves the one star rating.

Luckily no one was as useless as this block of cheese.


KJ Lawson. Played three minutes that I barely remember.