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KU Grad 08’s Beer Bong Story, Immortalized

You’ve read the tale, now you can hear it told by future Grad

We’ve all read KU Grad 08’s infamous Beer Bong Story. It’s the story of the American Dream. A young man wants only one thing, and defies all odds to get it. Now, we go one step further as we fast forward 50 years into the future and actually listen to Grad regale us with the tale of overcoming the odds, and the greatest triumph of his lifetime

Since apparently I can’t insert audio files in the new SBN format, Click here for the most dramatic, intense three minutes of your life. I should not have to tell you that is very NSFW. I guess I also have to add the obligatory NARR

For those who like to read along, here’s a transcript:

The reward is worth it in the end

When I first went to KU, I hadn’t ever bonged a beer before. In fact, I wasn’t much of a beer drinker as whenever I did drink in high school or the previous summer, my friends and I drank hard alcohol because it was easier to hide from our parents, mix with soda and/or juice, etc.

So I show up to KU, go out to a party and they are bonging beers. I just watch but after getting a bit hammered, decide I want to give it a try. Well, a girl emerges from the audience and challenges me to who can bong the beer the fastest. People all gather round, hootin and hollerin. Here we go…

I barely gulped down a third of it… then spilled it all over myself. The girl did hers in like four seconds. I was humiliated. People laughed at me. If there were vegetables around, they would have been thrown at me.

Did KU Grad 08 let that get him down? Of course. But I’m an American so I decided to do something about it. I went to the Home Depot in Lawrence and constructed my own beer bong (the people that work there really embrace being in a college town. They can instantly hook you up with what you need for a beer bong and have beer pong table measurements posted in the wood cutting area).

I practiced in my dorm room all the time. I first used a valve on my bong so I could get used to the flow. Then I removed the valve and learned how to drop and go. I never let the embarrassment of that chic beating me leave my system. I was like Clubber Lang training in Rocky Three, especially with the 80’s montage music and grunting.

About a month later, we were back at the same house (when you are a freshman in the dorms, knowing sophomore with their own house is so helpful). I noticed the girl was there. I didn’t run up and yell REMATCH REMATCH NOW DAMMIT! I played it cool, but knew it would come up. So I went outside in the ally and practiced one… kind of a pregame shootaround.

Finally the girl approached me and said to her friends "I kicked this guys ass in a beer bong race!" After her friends chided me, I just smiled and said "care for a rematch?" The girl looked nervous. She replied "I’m too drunk." Ok… so then some huge bear of a man said "I’ll take ya down."

The stakes were even higher now. The crowd gathered around us. They were waiting to see me fail again. But I rose to the occasion. I destroyed him. Cheers erupted. To this day, that moment ranks up there with my wedding day, KU winning the national title, etc as one of the greatest moments in my life.

Never settle. Go out and be the best.

-KU Grad 08, April 12, 2013

Also, I know people love outtakes, so here’s me doing a readthrough on the first try. It didn’t go well