Ex-KU player Jerod Haase led the Stanford Cardinal to a 21 point defeat to the hands of the Kansas Jayhawks, and since Haase is mainly known for his book Floor Burns which details his hustle (some call this haplessly running and diving after balls that are lost causes, I mean did anyone watch that “highlight” reel of Haase that they showed during the game? He literally got to NONE of those loose balls, but I digress), today’s player ratings will be to the theme of burns.
5 Stars: Mr. Burns
One of the greatest characters that the Simpson’s has ever produced, Mr. Burns’ elitist attitude and indifference toward the common man place him high atop this list. For some reason, my favorite Mr. Burns moments are when he has to live in the real world with the rest of us and fails at simple tasks like going to the grocery store.
Udoka Azubuike. Again the big Nigerian had a huge game. This time Dok knocked down 12 of 15 for 24 points, including KU’s first ten of the game. Add in seven rebounds and you have a five star performance.
4.5 Stars: Burnt Ends
As a Kansas City native, I couldn’t leave off these delectable morsels of flavor. Burnt ends are the charred (but still juicy because the fat rolls down the end) tips of the brisket. They are a crispy, juicy, flavorful piece of heaven. I want some right now.
Devonte Graham. Nailed some key threes in the first half to extend the lead, but the highpoints for Graham in this one were his highlight reel passes. The touch pass to Svi was a particularly great example of his vision.
4 Stars: Retaliation Burns
Any kind of retaliation burn deserves to be high on the list. They’re just so satisfying. Someone thinks they’re coming at you and the comeback is so epic that they have no resort but to go back and lick their wounds. When “Your Mama” jokes first started making the rounds, the zings were endless. But if you use it properly, man those can sting like no other.
Sviatoslav Mykhailiuk. I really liked Svi’s aggression in this game on the offensive end. He drove to the basket with authority. Struggled from outside or his rating would be higher.
Lagerald Vick. I’m looking on the bright side with Vick in this one. He got his boneheaded foul prone game out of the way when KU was cruising and didn’t need him. Had a couple of spectacular dunks and went two of two from three-point land.
3.5 Stars: Sideburns
On certain people, sideburns can look pretty cool. Remember when Jason Priestley dared to have longer sideburns when Beverly Hills 90210 debuted in the early 90’s? That sparked a revolution. Some sideburns look terrible of course, but this is the case with any piece of fashion. Pictures of your dad in the 1970’s make up for it.
Malik Newman. This was not Malik’s best performance, but it wasn’t his worst either. I thought the ease with which he got to the rim was a positive sign.
3 Stars: Robert Burns
I teach a unit on romantic poetry each year, and at first I was really excited, but after doing it for a few years, the shine has worn off. While the poems of Robert Burns are timeless (could be a 4 star), there’s only so much you can say when you’re reading a poem about a mouse (2 stars). Sorry Bob, squarely into the middle for you. After all, you’re no William Blake.
Marcus Garrett. The kid can play defense, that’s for sure.
Sam Cunliffe. Scored two points and got some more minutes under his belt before conference play begins.
2 Stars: Burning your Tongue on Food
God this sucks. There are few eating experiences worse than getting overly excited about eating your piping hot food and that food burning your tongue or the inside of your mouth thereby causing you to have limited taste for that highly anticipated meal.
Mitch Lightfoot. Paging Silvio De Sousa and Billy Preston. Are you guys gonna play or what?
1 Star: Actual Burns
I don’t think that this needs any explanation. Burns suck in every possible way.
Luckily, no player was as bad as getting burnt.
Next up, conference play starts in Austin, Texas.