Since the Jayhawks just beat Nebraska, I figured we could rank the performances according to menu items at Nebraska fast food staple Runza. Ever been to a Runza? I haven’t either. I’ll be up front right off the bat: I like traditional bierocks, so the idea of Runza’s food doesn’t sit well with me. My wife’s family has some German and Polish heritage, so we make homemade bierocks frequently at home. They’re delicious. I’m assuming that like other fast food restaurants, Runza will ruin a perfectly awesome idea and make it practically inedible. But people from Nebraska love it, and since we just beat Nebraska in heartbreaking fashion, let’s make fun of their “cuisine” as well, shall we.
Anyway, onto our player ratings after last night’s game to the theme of the presumed tastiness of the menu at Runza.
5 Stars: Runza Spicy Jack Burger
Simply perusing the Runza website will lead to the discovery that they don’t only feature bierock style catastrophes. They have nine burgers on the menu and none look tastier than the Spicy Jack burger featuring bacon, jalapeños, and Jack cheese. Previously unknown added bonus: Runza only uses 100% non-frozen beef and gets their buns from a specialty bakery in Omaha.
Udoka Azubuike. The big Nigerian had 26 points, 10 rebounds, and one enormous block to pace KU. Udoka made 13 of 17 from the field and is now shooting 78% from the field this year.
4.5 Stars: Original Runza Sandwich
This is the only thing on their menu that even comes close to a traditional bierock. Ground beef, cabbage, onions, and spices are jammed inside a pocket of dough. Ok, I’ll admit that I’d try the original Runza.
Unfortunately, no Kansas player (other than Dok who was better) was as good as this “sandwich.”
4 Stars: Crinkle Cut Fries/Hand Cut Onion Rings
I love both of these items and the folks at Runza were even kind enough to offer “Frings” where you get some of each. The crinkle cut fry holds salt perfectly, and onion rings are just plain delicious.
Devonte’ Graham. The senior canned a few huge threes, but his assist to Svi for the game winner was the play of the game. Finished with 18 points and eight assists.
3.5 Stars: Chicken Sandwich
Word for word from their website: We’ve got five incredible chicken sandwiches, and we like to think of them as a chicken sandwich boy band. There’s the shy one (Deluxe), the heartthrob (BBQ), the bad boy (Spicy Jack), the great dancer (Buffalo) and the cool older brother (Smothered). Pick your favorite, order it today and maybe get a poster of it to hang over your bed.
Weird, but better than anything else left on the menu.
Sviatoslav Mykhailiuk. Made the basket that decided the game, otherwise Svi’s ranking would be considerably lower.
3 Stars: Bacon Cheeseburger
Why is there no double bacon cheeseburger? You have a double cheeseburger on the menu. Just add bacon, Runza. It’s not that hard. Middle of the pack for this obvious menu malfeasance.
Lagerald Vick. Not exactly the kind of game that we expect from the explosive junior, but he made a couple of really athletic plays and canned a three when the team needed it in the second half.
2.5 Stars: Soda
You can get it anywhere and it’s not special.
Marcus Garrett. The freshman was a little wild with the ball on occasion (somehow he couldn’t alley-oop the ball without getting it blocked twice in quick succession) and he chucked it from deep a little too often for KU fans’ liking on Saturday.
Mitch Lightfoot. Mitch made all of his free throws on Saturday, and occasionally does some good things on defense, but is almost pointless on the offensive end. I wish Billy Preston knew how to drive (a car).
Sam Cunliffe. I didn’t notice if he even did anything his two minutes of action. I just checked the box score- his lack of statistics is confirmed.
2 Stars: Any Runza Sandwich with cheese
They have gone too far. Yes, I know, cheese usually makes things better. Ninety-three times out of a hundred, it’s true. But the seven Runza sandwiches on their menu that feature cheese are abominations. Cheese doesn’t belong in a bierock. Never has, never will.
Thankfully, no Kansas player was as bad as a Runza sandwich with cheese in it. But….
1.5 Stars: Soup of the day.
Why does this exist on a fast food menu?
Malik Newman. Had a night to forget. Unfortunately, these type of performances seem to be becoming the norm rather than the outlier. I hope he figures it out soon.
1 Star: Southwest Runza Sandwich
Is it a burrito? No? Then go away.
Luckily, no Kansas player was as bad as the Southwest Runza.
Again, down in the comments section, please tell me why I’m wrong and I’m always up for suggestions for future lists as well.