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Why Kansas is Beating Duke Tonight

Write it down. It’s happening

NCAA Basketball: Armed Forces Classic-Indiana vs Kansas
I want the name of the guy who wrote this stupid post, now!
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The Jayhawks are beating the Duke blue devils in the basketballs tonight. It’s a thing that’s going to happen. Yeah, I know KU has had a tough travel schedule, journeying from Hawaii to New York to play very good teams on just three days rest (if you count time on a plane, with your body trying to process how it just lost five hours a couple days after it gained four as “rest”). Duke has three good players out, but I don’t even consider that part of the equation. KU is just going to beat Duke tonight, regardless of the circumstances. How am I so sure? I’ll lay out the reasons:

1) Mitch Lightfoot

This dude has been a BEAST this year, boasting a 202.2 oRtg, despite a 31.7% shot rate. You’d basically have to make all your shot to accomplish this! Pair that with his 51.1% offensive rebounding rate and you have an absolute animal on your hands. This guy has been phenomenal this year, and I fully expect these numbers to remain consistent throughout his career at Kansas.

2) “White Guy Media Darling Theorem”

Duke has this guy, you may have heard of him already, named Grayson Allen. Like all really good white college basketball players, the media loves him, despite this stuff. However, Kansas has developed immunity to this type of player. Need proof? Aaron Craft and Tyler Hansbrough went a combined 0-4 against the Jayhawks in their careers. It’s science.

3) Coach K has sold his soul to the devil

I know what you’re thinking. I’m being ridiculous. Actually, I’m surprised more people haven’t caught on to this. I mean, this is a picture from the sideline of Duke’s season opener against Marist:

This is completely unedited

Why do I bring this up as a reason that Kansas will beat Duke, you ask? It’s simple. Bill Self is more powerful than Satan. He beat John Calipari out for a National Title. If that doesn’t prove that Self’s coaching ability outweighs pacts with the Dark Beast, nothing will. Again, people, this is just basic science, which Mike Pence won’t have an opportunity to ban from our schools until January. Actually, this is probably exactly the type of “science” that our schools will be forced to teach, but I digress.

5) Yeah, I know I skipped four. It’s a secret. Reason five will blow your mind.

So there you have it. Kansas can not and will not lose tonight. My prediction is that Mitch Lightfoot will once again make all of his shot, Grayson Allen will go back to playing the way a kid named Grayson would be expected to play basketball, and Mike Krzyzewski will slowly melt the floor beneath him, and decry his dark lord as he realizes his Blue DEVILS (I mean, come on, it’s right there in the freaking name!) are losing, and a hole will open up on the Duke sideline, from which the Beast will emerge and bring Coach K with him to make him run stairs for all eternity.