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AB&D: The Axis of Evil (Big 12 Coaches) Spinoff

For anyone who hasn't read the actual first four volumes of the Adventures of "Bruce & Drew," here are the links:

Volume 1 -- The Breakroom

Volume 2 -- The Upcoming Game

Volume 3 -- Movie Quotes

Volume 4 -- Sonic Run

And now, onto the main event:

[Just a note, all verbal dialogue is in bold and "quote" marks around it. All internal thoughts/monologues are in italics. Any actions are noted with *asterisks*.]

*Scene: a dark, ominous room. Exact location unknown. One by one, nine figures enter the room and take their places beneath the few lights, so that their exact features are indistinguishable to the others present, but their general outlines are still visible. The last one to enter brings a boom box and a mix tape. As he steps forward, he puts the boom box down, and puts in a CD that says "Villainous Mixtape." The first song that plays Pain's Theme.

The leader of the group is the first to speak.*

Tywin_Lannister--Fred_Hoiberg.0.png

"Thank you for coming gentlemen. I know it must've been difficult to get away, as we're all preparing for the Big 12 tournament, but I appreciate your efforts.... Once again, Bill Self and his Kansas team has triumphed over all of us, and claimed the Big 12 regular season title... for the eleventh time. This is nothing in and of itself, but this 11-year streak has gone on long enough. We must put an end to it."

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

"Quite right. I must interject that my team did its utmost, by giving Kansas an unexpected road loss, leaving Iowa State tied for the lead with only a few games to go."

Tywin_Lannister--Fred_Hoiberg.0.png

"Yes, but then you beat my Hawkeyes, putting us two down."

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

"But that was only after you'd dropped an unforeseen home game to Baylor."

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

"Hey, don't drag me into this. We almost had Kansas in Waco, first game of the season. It was Huggins' team that let them slip away with an outright title at the very end. If he'd done his job, Oklahoma or Iowa State might've had a chance to share it."

Hans_Gruber--Bob_Huggins.0.jpg

"Those refs have it out for my team! What was I supposed to do? Besides, even a shared title still counts in Kansas' eyes. If anything, we let the whole thing fall apart when Texas got swept." *turns to Rick Barnes* "Your team was supposed to be Kansas' worst nightmare, match-up-wise, and you couldn't do [expletive] against them!!"

Admiral_Tarkin--Rick_Barnes.0.png

"Huggy, I'm just trying to hold onto my job another year so I can have a nice little nest-egg to retire on. You can't blame this all on me. We all had so many times to beat them, and they just kept getting away. Your team saw that firsthand in Lawrence a few weeks ago."

Khan--Lon_Kruger.0.jpg

"Yes, we're getting off topic. We can look over past mistakes all we want. That doesn't change the fact that KU still got to win it outright! So, if you guys don't mind, can we please move onto something we can still do to bring Kansas down this season?!?!"

Saruman--Travis_Ford.0.jpg

"Cool your jets, Norm. We can still ruin the Big 12 tournament for them. All it takes is for TCU or K-State to get hot from three and the Jayhawks will be out for the rest of the week."

Gus_Fring--Trent_Johnson.0.jpg

"But that's just what they want, Trav!! With so many of their guys tired or coming off injuries, Kansas is fine with playing as few games as possible so they can rest for the Big Dance. There's an upside for them either way. It doesn't matter what we do, man!!!"

the_Governor--Tubby_Smith.0.jpg

"Unless Kansas makes a quick exit in the Dance because they didn't have time to practice playing without Cliff Alexander in the Big 12 tournament. That will be heart-breaking for their fans, and they might look on a short conference tournament as 'the one that got away."

Khan--Lon_Kruger.0.jpg

"BUT THERE'S STILL NOTHING WE CAN DO! WE WILL BE STUCK UNDER KANSAS' THUMB FOREVER!!!"

Tywin_Lannister--Fred_Hoiberg.0.png

"Patience, Lon. It might be another year until we get another shot at bringing Self down, but I'll be damned with ugliness before I see Jayhawk fans wearing "12 Big 12 Champions" or "Big 12^12 Champs" tee-shirts around the conference next March. We will bring Kansas to its knees. It will take some careful planning, no doubt, but it's only a matter of time."

Saruman--Travis_Ford.0.jpg

"Well, if anyone's going to have a shot at taking their crown from them next year, it's going to be you, Fred. So... why don't we just leave all the really hard stuff to you."

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

"No, we WILL have to work together on this, Travis. As much as I like phoning it in whenever possible, I will do any hard, dirty, gritty work necessary if it means my K-State followers and I get to gloat over Kansas breaking its title streak."

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

"But then, they'll still get to gloat over the fact that they had a title streak to begin with."

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

"Shut up, Scott. You might be my probably-platonic-but-possibly-not friend, but you can't tell me how to live my life."

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

"We are work acquaintances, at best, Bruce. And, God willing, that's all we will ever be."

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

[expletive] *heart breaks*

Hans_Gruber--Bob_Huggins.0.jpg

"We're getting off-topic again! If we're going to start laying our schemes for next year, might I suggest that we start by --"

Raymond_Reddington--Bill_Self.0.jpg

*walks in unexpectedly, flips on the lights of a small breakroom, interrupts* "Hey guys, are you all ready to shoot another one of those Big 12 conference 'One True Champion' commercials? ... Wait... You guys are all here early. What's going on?"

*Pain's Theme ends, and for some effed up reason, Fergie's London Bridge starts playing... Why they thought to include this on the Villainous Mixtape, I have no effing idea, so please don't ask*

Gus_Fring--Trent_Johnson.0.jpg

Oh [expletive].

Khan--Lon_Kruger.0.jpg

Oh [expletive].

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

Oh [expletive].

Hans_Gruber--Bob_Huggins.0.jpg

Oh, [expletive].

the_Governor--Tubby_Smith.0.jpg

I can't believe it's not butter!

Admiral_Tarkin--Rick_Barnes.0.png

One year, man. Just one more [expletive] year, and then I'm done with this [expletive].

Khan--Lon_Kruger.0.jpg

"Oh, hey, Bill. Uh... we're all in here because... uh... B-Bruce and Scott s-said they're... uh... going to go on a road trip. So we were all meeting up to give them suggestions. Didn't you get the email?"

Raymond_Reddington--Bill_Self.0.jpg

"No, I guess I've been too busy polishing my eleventh Big 12 conference championship trophy. I've nicknamed her Ellie, cuz she's my eleventh. Yeah, I had to put her on the shelf next to Tennie, and there's just enough room there for one or two more. I think with the economic situation as it is, I could probably support one or two more trophies if I had to, but of course, that's something I'll have to talk over with Cindy and Co. first...

Tywin_Lannister--Fred_Hoiberg.0.png

God [expletive] [expletive] it.

Raymond_Reddington--Bill_Self.0.jpg

"So, Bruce, Scott, where were you guys thinking about going?"

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

(simultaneously) "Nowhere. Maybe we can just like meet up in Oklahoma City again or something."

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

(simultaneously) "Montana. I've always wanted to the Grand Tetons." *giggles* Tet-tons.

Raymond_Reddington--Bill_Self.0.jpg

"Uh... the Grand Tetons... Well, that'll be pretty cool. You'll have to show me the pictures when you get back. Make sure to pack extra sweaters. It gets pretty cold up there.... So, I think they're wanting us down at the green screen now. You guys coming?" *leaves the room*

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

"Yeah, Bill. We're right behind you!" I should've just let the K-State mob squash him when I had the chance.

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

"The Grand Tetons, seriously?! That's not even in MONTANA, Bruce. It's in WYOMING! AND I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU, EVEN IF YOU GAVE BAYLOR AN NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP!!"

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

"Would the championship have to be in basketball? Because I could probably swing it if it were women's swimming or something..."

the_Joker--Scott_Drew.0.jpg

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!" *storms out of the room*

Joffrey--Bruce_Weber.0.jpg

Maybe I should've just let the K-State mob squash ME when I had the chance...

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