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Rock Chalk Mock: Kansas State

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This week, the Mock is picking the whiskers off the Wildcats. (Or at least, Willie the Wildcat, because otherwise, that would be animal cruelty.)

John Rieger-USA TODAY Sports

[Introductory Note: I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the batteries that are not included ... I am the Occasional sTroll! And today, we will be examining the strengths and weaknesses of our opponents in a light-hearted but poignant manner. Yes, we admit that this series is based a parody of a weekly seriesfrom sister site Wide Right Natty Lite. No, we don't care. As the wise Turk once said: "Ah, you know I do what I do what I do what I do."]

Oh, Kansas State. We've been together for so long, I'm not even sure what to say. So much of it has probably been said to you already. Like:

  • Kansas has a better record in Bramlage than K-State does against Kansas
  • Bramlage is named the effing "Octagon of Doom"... because, you know, they just take down so many tough opponents there. And everyone knows that the Big 12 championship travels through Bramlage
  • Bruce Weber is a joke when he's not winning with someone else's recruits. He has such superiority complex about the whole "Bill Self leaving Illinois" thing, he held a freaking funeral for his predecessor.
  • Bill Snyder -- while a certainly a worthwhile and respectable coach -- is as old as crap, and I don't know if Kansas State has the resources or the reputation to draw in someone who might be equally as worthwhile once Snyder retires or passes. Because, of course, we all know how the Ron Prince thing worked out. You couldn't just let your honorable coach retire in peace? No, your success means so much to you, that you basically had to throw money at an old man just to get him out of his comfy recliner to come back and work long hours and weekends so you can be bowl eligible again. (Just make sure your precious Wildcats choke in the bowl games as usual. You can't have Coach Depend For Men retiring too early. Again.)
  • Speaking of bowl games, you essentially lost one because your receiver saluted toward the sidelines. That is both legitimately pathetic and freaking hilarious. Sort of like a three-legged dog using a mini-pogo stick to replace its missing limb.
  • Two words: EkoCat.
  • Also, six more words: Willie the Wildcat. With a guitar.
  • There are so many I could list here, but I'm running out of time. So I will see what my fellow RCTers have to add in the comments below.

Let's face it, Kansas State, everything you do is so generic, it's a wonder anyone even remembers you exist.

Generic mascot. Generic school colors. Generic sports reputations (especially outside of the Big 12). Generic academic reputation (especially outside of veterinary and agricultural stuff). Generic traditions like the Wabash and Fake St. Patty's Day.

You try so hard to NOT be Kansas -- to be a "better," less expensive, less snooty, more down-to-earth university, that you end up becoming the Kroger brand of Big 12 schools. And I know you get that reference, because this is Kansas, and we have Dillon's stores on every street corner -- and that's where I shop, and you work.

Off-brand anything isn't anything to worry about on the surface level. Yeah, knock-off Honey Bunches of Oats (which is called "Oat Blenders," by the way) tastes pretty much exactly like the real Honey Bunches of Oats. But, cereal in general is a pretty rote thing anyway. Once you get the milk mixed in -- by the way, did you choose Kroger milk or Hiland or another recognized brand of milk? -- it all pretty much equalizes out, whether it's off-brand or not.

But, colleges are and should be a different story. That's why plenty of people (some of whom I know personally) are totally willing to get their four year bachelor's degree at Kansas State, where there's Aggieville and low standards of personal hygiene a decent-ish football program... but then, when it really matters, they choose Kansas for their law school, med school, and so forth.

Sure, you call us snobs, and honestly, we've probably earned it.

But, then again, I'm sure you'd call us snobs for choosing a filet over ground chuck, even though we both know it's the better selection of meat.

*announcer voice* AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S PUT ASIDE OUR PETTY DIFFERENCES, AND MAKE FUN OF YOUR CURRENTLY FLOUNDERING SORTA-RESEMBLES A BASKETBALL COACH... BRUCE WEBER! STAR OF THE (SHOULD BE) CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED "ADVENTURES OF BRUCE & DREW" COMEDY SERIES, VOLUMES ONE AND TWO...

(Italian Accent) "Itsa spaghetti!"

"I don't know, Marcus. CAN you go to the bathroom?"

"My open mouth is so big I could catch flies. Wanna see?"

"Have you seen this forearm? It's a nice forearm. Now stop goofing around, and get your forearms to look like this. Oh, that's right. You can't. Because this is my forearm, not yours."

"THAT'S what she said!"

(Emperor Palpitine voice) Good. Good.

"He's the one who started it!!!"

Why are shorts called shorts, but pants aren't called longs?

"To get to other side!" (laughs at own joke)

Maybe if I try really, really hard, I can make a toilet appear. (grunting) C'mon, Bruce! You didn't go to Hogwarts for 10 years for nothing! C'mon... Agh! ... Nope. I tried too hard. Sh*t!

"Hey, mom. Mom! MOOAAAM!! Do you think they can tell this jacket has shoulder pads in it?"

"Hey, you little sh*t! Give me back my keys!! I need those to fool people into thinking I own a car!"

Maybe if I smile really hard, they won't realize I forgot their names.

Holy crap, he just made a rabbit appear out of that rabbit-sized hat. Haha! (amused clapping)

"I'm NOT angry! I'm just emotional because I'm on my PERIOD. You men will never understand the things we women have to endure EACH AND EVERY MONTH."

I am so effing pissed at you right now, I'm going to physically accost you in front of all your friends on national television... Also, has anyone told you that you have very dreamy eyes?

(Pig snort noises)

Eff yeah. Take that, Sports Illustrated. Who's the sexiest coach in college basketball now? Fred Hoiberg be damned. Have you seen this jaw-line? This perfectly coiffed hair? Oh, yeah... nailed it.

"What do you mean 'THERE'S NO SECOND SEASON OF FIREFLY'?!"

Weber: "Well, son, how would you like to buy a timeshare in Milwaukee?"

Player: Can someone please get this creepy old dude outta my face?

So, good luck and may the best team win tonight and all nights to come. Also, please comment with your favorite BW picture/caption. I'm interested to see if there's a clear winner.