[Introductory Note: I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the check-writer in the cash-only line ... I am the Occasional sTroll! And today, we will be examining the strengths and weaknesses of our opponents in a light-hearted but poignant manner. Yes, we admit that this series is based a parody of a weekly series from sister site Wide Right Natty Lite. No, we don't care. As the wise Turk once said: "Ah, you know I do what I do what I do what I do."]
I can just go ahead and say that I forgot West Virginia was in our conference. And I forgot we hadn't played them once this year. We've played OSU, ISU, Baylor, and Texas Tech all twice before we've played West Virginia once??? That's weird. Why are we playing them twice so close together? Is the Big 12 trying to schedule double-headers now?
Ah, do I have to do this??
I could sum this up in one sentence:
WVU Does Not Belong In The Big 12
Why doesn't it?
Do they even have farms in West Virginia? Do Midwesterners know what mountaineers are? Hell, we barely know what hills and trees look like between Iowa and Texas. Or rivers, cuz Lord knows all of ours are dry or disgustingly dirty. (Although our rivers ain't polluted. #ElkRiver)
Outside of four counties in Kansas and two counties in Texas, the geographic Big 12 is all Central Time. And all the Big 12 university campuses are in Central Time... except of course, for West Virginia. (Are you starting to see a pattern here?). So it kinda messes with our players when we have to ship them thousands of miles east and one time zone over, to send them to the middle of freaking backwoods rednecksville with all these mountains and trees. People don't know how to adjust to all that in only a few hours, let alone compete in televised sports.
The Big 12 was starting to look like a tight-knit little group. You have: Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Texas. Now that Nebraska, Missouri, and Colorado are out of the picture, geographically, we're a comfortable little family of states nestled into Tornado Alley.
We've got Papa Texas (because, of course it's the father of this family -- that state makes all the money and calls the shots). We've got Mama Kansas (the respected-and-yet-feared member of the family [
KSU football in the fall and Kansas basketball in the winter]). We've got older brother Oklahoma in the middle (with its brawny football programs and its try-as-they-might basketball). And then adopted baby Iowa in the corner. (We are all just secretly waiting till Iowa State joins the Big 10 or something, because it's now the outlier or the new Jerry of this current Big 12 family.)
Until, that is... we got West Virginia. I realize it's not entirely WVU's fault. The Big 12 was trying to grab at literally anything to make an even 10 schools. We probably would've taken
Wichita State if they had asked nicely. Haha, jk, no we wouldn't have.
You're sort of like the Alaska or Hawaii of this Big 12 'family.' Yeah, you're technically a part of the group, but you're not contiguous, and that throws everybody off. We have to put you in those little insets in the corner, and make you geographically not-to-scale
, because God forbid Alaska should be bigger than Texas. You are, sadly, legitimately (or maybe it's illegitimately) the red-headed stepchild of this family. Yeah, you're here, you're a part of the family. But only on a technicality, because nobody really wants you... except to beat you up and get some easy wins each season (which may be our only conference win of the season -- #KUfootball2013).
So, West Virginia, if you don't mind, the sTroll is going to save its Mocking energy for legitimate members of the Big 12 conference -- programs we have real rivalries with, schools we just can't stand. I guess that's the one thing you got going for you: no one in this conference cares about you enough to hate you.
Or do they?