Please note that this post is meant to be funny. If you're a K-State fan over here at our fine site, please get whoever is reading this to you to explain that it is satirical in nature. And just because you probably don't understand that word either - after all, it is four syllables long - here is the definition of satirical: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
I looked that up all by myself on my phone! See guys, it's useful for things other than that John Deere app. Who knew?
But let's get to the meat and potatoes of why we're here, and that's the Sunflower Showdown. Yep, it's that once-a-year time again where K-State fans get to have superiority over KU fans. Actually, I'm kind of happy for them. At least they get one day. Those jokers over in Columbia get zero days. But we here at Rock Chalk Talk are not content with their one day of "glory." No, let's reduce that to the proper zero by telling the world just how much of a joke their university is. Let's proceed. (It means "start," K-Staters. Stick with me.)
1. Man, I wish that this was "The Toilet Bowl" redux. Those were the days. Two winless and pathetic football teams going at it, hoping to get that elusive tie. And dammit, K-State, you could've been there! We've done our part. It's about time you did yours. If it wasn't for the Curse of Mangino, we'd be sitting here winless in conference together. But alas, when your octogenarian robot coach finally decides to hand the reigns of his purple empire over to his kid, you could be here with us. When you brag about your impending victory on Saturday, please remember that you just beat the worst division one football team since 1988 you.
2. Willie the "Wildcat." Don't come at me with your "Chickenhawk" smack, please. It's tired. And, just so you know, our mascot has some meaning behind it. So every time you use your tired "Chickenhawk" smack, you're really defending some really bad people with some really bad ideas from Missouruh. To semi-borrow a line from Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "I'd prefer that you just say thank you (for ridding the state of the unwanted pro-slavery Missourians) and then be on your way."
Now, Willie, that's eminently make-funable. I can respect human mascots, and I can respect fully enclosed animal mascots. I cannot and will not respect a man in a football uniform with a felt head on. Won't do it. Can't do it. But that's not the worst. The worst is seeing K-Staters adamantly defend this atrocity. No K-State fans, you don't like him, you tolerate him. You have to pretend to like this bulbous headed freak because it's bad form if you don't. Go back to this:
You'd be commended on finally making a good choice within your athletic department if you did. (But I must ask: Why the hell is he holding a plunger?)
Here is a tidbit from kstatesports.com sure to make any K-State alum or fan proud: The mascot is a central part of athletic contests, but also attends functions around the state as an ambassador. Jeez. If I see that weirdo in a public setting, I'm liable to punch him.
3. Purple. Purple sucks. It always has. I'm going to quickly run down all the teams, both professional and collegiate who have won championships wearing purple. The Los Angeles Lakers. That's it. I guess you can count the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks, but even after that win, they quickly got rid of their horrid color scheme. Let's take a quick look around the NFL, shall we? The Vikings haven't won squat, and the Ravens wore white to obscure that awful color in both their Super Bowl wins. The NHL? The Los Angeles Kings traded out purple for silver and black and won a title. The college game? Does Washington's shared title count? The bottom line is that purple is a color that never wins the big one. I have K-State friends who claim they like purple, but they really don't. Because purple sucks.
4. Of course the easy burn to make concerning K-State fans is their agro-centric ways. Yep, too easy. But have you ever been in a crowd with these folks? It's like a giant advertisement for Skoal Bandits. I was the lone KU fan in the student section at a football game back in their glory days (1997 if I'm not mistaken) and it was one degrading insult directed at me after another. But luckily, they were creative. (Note to K-State fans: the preceding and following sentences are an exercise in sarcasm.) The width and breadth and depth of their slams toward my obvious (to them) sexual preference was amazing. If they have an English department at K-State, I fear for the work that their creative writing teacher receives.
5. Traditions, Part 1. I thought that the ridiculous head bobbing of the Wabash Cannonball was their fight song. Nope. Their fight song is actually called Wildcat Victory, so I guess there are valid reasons why they don't use it. The WC apparently originates from when the music department burned down and they had only that one piece of sheet music left. It then became a part of their athletic events. I bet K-State people love this little piece of fabricated storytelling when in fact, they should condemn it for its sadness. Are you telling me that not one member of the marching band could play their fight song by heart? That is hilarious. They don't even know the fight song! But really, the Wabash Cannonball is a perfect song for K-Staters. It requires no other skills than to sway back and forth however you like. As a side note, I invited my K-State friend to the Sunflower Showdown at Memorial Stadium and he was amazed at the coordination of our clapping during the fight song. Superior hand-eye coordination - another check in the KU column.
6. Traditions, Part 2. Can we stop calling it a Powercat? It's a "futuristic" wildcat logo, plain and simple. And the fact that you have shunned the much more awesome cartoon logo is a shame.
As a graduate of an institution that whole-heartedly accepts a cartoon as the greatest logo ever created, it is sad that your own university-run athletics website shoves a great design under the bus. From kstatesports.com: Previous logos used by the athletics department included a line drawing of a wildcat head and the cartoonish "Willie the Wildcat" that is used only by the Alumni Association. It's really unfair to that great logo, I mean, how many people are members of that Alumni Association? It's got to be in the teens by now. Not enough exposure for a great design.
7. Traditions, Part 3. EMAW? Give me a break. When did this become a thing? 2006? Nope. According to kstatesports.com, it goes back decades. Tracing its roots back through decades of K-State athletics history, fans are unified behind the rallying cry, declaring they are all part of the Wildcat nation. Stop lying. If this had existed when I was at KU (mid to late 1990's), I would've heard about it. It didn't exist then. This just makes you look pathetic, K-State. We as a society did not start uselessly abbreviating things and using awkward acronyms until social media became a firestorm, so quit trying to tell us that Grandpa Dale was screaming EMAW! to his 0-10 1965 Wildcats. He wasn't.
8. Traditions, Part 4. Did you know that K-State football hosts an annual Harley-Davidson get together before a home game? Warning: if you click here, you will see one of the dumbest pictures of all time. Ah, who are we kidding, let's show everybody:
I didn't know either until a person who I thought was a reasonable minded KSU fan alerted me to the "tradition." Then she revealed that she actually liked it. It's pretty big deal to K-Staters, I guess. Prior to a game, the Harleys all ride around in circles and around the stadium as those with little, no, or bad credit get to watch those crazy alumni to whom the banks trust enough to give a loan to while they burn fossil fuel and induce hearing loss to those awe-struck gape-mouthed onlookers.
9. Outside of Eco-Kat (which has been bashed by everyone imaginable), the next most easily mockable component of the university has to be the lavender, two-toned basketball uniforms.
Holy crap those are hideous. And hilarious. And the fact that every K-State fan will defend these abominations until his/her dying breath is the best part. No, K-State fan, we aren't laughing because you're a "rival" of ours, and double no, we wouldn't like them if our team were sporting them. We're laughing because they are the single worst basketball uniform ever worn at the major college basketball level. These are less cringe-worthy:
Can you imagine trying to pitch this to a high-level recruit? Hint, K-Staters: a "high-level recruit" is a really good player.
10. Fashion. It's been a long standing fact that western wear is popular amongst the KSU crowd, but what isn't so well known is their love of out-of-date clothing. Sure, every good hipster will tell you that "everything that's old is new again" or some such drivel, and apparently K-Staters are taking this to heart. Have you ever seen so much out of date merchandise? Faded purple Starter-jacketed (with a camouflaged hoodie underneath) K-State fan pounding Busch heavies in the back of a 1999 Chevy Silverado blasting Toby Keith springs to mind. And that guy is considered cool. C'mon people, it's okay to retire that windbreaker. Chad May called from 1993, and he wants his clothes back.
Ok, on second thought, someone please get this guy a windbreaker for Christmas.
Let's just hope this group from 2004 can make it back to Lawrence this Saturday and recreate this photo:
There are many more, but we're already to double-digits and that's some hard-readin' for K-State fans. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!