Rock Chalk Mock: TCU

[Introductory Note: I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the hair in the lens of your projector... I am the Occasional sTroll! And today, we will be examining the strengths and weaknesses of our opponents in a light-hearted but poignant manner. Yes, we admit that this series is based a parody of a weekly series from sister site Wide Right Natty Lite. No, we don't care. As the wise Turk once said: "Ah, you know I do what I do what I do what I do."]

Now, for TCU. As a few of you Horned Frog fans might know, we grilled the UT faithful last week for their "Texas-ness," among other things. And, because many of those things apply to you also, as fellow Texas residents, I encourage you to read it. Even if you're TCU fans, it doesn't change the fact that your "Texas-ness" is still very annoying to everyone not from Texas.

I have literally heard Texans boast that they were "seventh-generation Texans" or what-have-you. And, you know, that's cool and impressive; but it doesn't really matter. There are many individuals who contribute to Texas' society, economy, and government who are first-generation Texans. Or who are simply Texas residents. No one cares, except you. I don't go around introducing myself as a sixth-generation Kansan (which I am), because it typically doesn't make a difference, as impressive as it might sound.

So, with that out of the way, let's discuss a few areas where we blow the Horned Frogs away (and a few where we don't):

Dallas-Ft. Worth // Dallas-Ft. Worth

Okay, North Texans, I'm going to say this once and for all. To anyone who's not from Texas, Dallas and Ft. Worth seem like one big city. We don't care if one thing is technically in Ft. Worth. Or another thing is technically in Dallas. Or how the Dallas Cowboys Stadium is actually in Arlington, which isn't the same as Dallas, obviously. Well, you know what? We don't care! It's all the same to us!!! I know to people who live there, there are subtle and important differences. But, you at least have to realize that not everyone notices those things, so don't jump down our throats whenever we get them mixed up. So, the next time non-Texas people ask you if TCU is in Dallas, kindly inform them that it's close by.

It's not even that great of a place. Even the people who live there are trying to get out. That's why your traffic congestion, thanks in part to your infinite road construction projects, is one of the worst in the country. I was riding with a friend from Ft. Worth to Irving, and we had to stop dead in the middle of the highway for no reason, and parked there for a good 10-15 minutes before traffic started moving again. Never knew why. I assumed it was construction or congestion. Nope. None of those things, so far as I could tell. And, thank God for GPS, because otherwise, I don't know how anyone navigates around Dallas. **drowns out the sound of North Texans yelling, "Eeergh, it's Ft. Worth! Get it right!"**

I will give you two things about your giant metro area: 1) it is home to a lot of Jayhawks. Seriously, Dallas yes, yes, I know TCU is technically in Ft. Worth, and I don't care is probably our biggest alumni hub outside of the KC area. I've been to a KU at TCU game before, and the accompanying alumni events, and those Texas Jayhawks know how to party and know how to support their team. So, thanks for putting up with them, I suppose.

The second thing I'll give you is your airport. DFW isn't my favorite airport, but considering how often I have to travel through there, eff you, American Airlines, I appreciate it for its efficiency and simplicity. I realize it is a bit dull and boring, and part of that is because I have to put up with it so often. I realize it could be a lot worse. (Looking at you, IAH.)

Also, I know it was a bit before my time, but I'm blaming that whole "the 9th season of Dallas was a dream thing" on you guys. Apparently, your area is so bad that people want to write off a year's worth of being in it as a dream/nightmare. (Southfork Ranch is pretty cool, though. Went there for New Year's once. Also, attending the Cotton Bowl was an amazing experience.) And, like all "Northerners" we can, of course, make fun of you for your inability to deal with snow. I once got stranded overnight at DFW because there was, literally, a flake on the runway, so the entire airport had to be shut down.

Actual Ft. Worth // Billy Bob's

I've spent a few days walking around ACTUAL downtown Ft. Worth. It was a nice enough place. I overheard some people talking about NCAA basketball; there was a nice courtyard area and beautiful sunny weather (in early March), so I sat around, people-watched, read and enjoyed the nice day and the interesting surroundings.

Your town has two things that stand out to me: 1) the Ft. Worth stockyards. I didn't get the chance to walk around in them, but it seems like a really strange tourist attraction. "Hey, everyone! Come see where we used to store our cows!!! Don't worry the smell is mostly gone!" I'm not seeing the draw for such a location. I assume there is a lot of alcohol to be consumed. Otherwise, I don't know why people would bother going there.

You also have 2) a memorial to President John F. Kennedy, as he spent his last night in one of your downtown hotels, and spent one of his last days giving a speech in your rain. While I appreciate the historical significance of such a site, it is weird that you focus on that so much. But then again, it also explains why so many Ft. Worth people don't want to be associated with Dallas, because Ft. Worth is where President Kennedy was last living. Dallas is where he died.

(Side note: I stayed in that same hotel he did, and there was a lot of President Kennedy stuff -- pictures and so forth. I even got an inspirational quote card on my pillow from housekeeping with his face and a saying of his on it. I also got to visit the Presidential Suite on the top floor. It was cool, but also kind of weird that you guys seem to promote that so much.)

And while your traffic is absurd like the rest of the Dallas metro (cue all North Texans' simultaneous sigh of exasperation), I have to say: Billy Bob's (the self-proclaimed World's Largest Honky-Tonk) is pretty darn cool. I went there once, and I would love to go back. Please let me know if you get Tracy Lawrence to come back anytime soon!

Hand sign, mascot and venue // Campus

For a fanbase that doesn't want to be associated with UT, you guys are sure trying your darnedest to be like them where you can. You, of course, had to steal their hand sign for your Horned Frogs (which aren't really frogs; they're lizards). But when adapting that, didn't work, you basically made up your own using the secret love child of the Baylor Bear Claw and the SMU Pony Ears hand signs.

So, in addition to your ridiculous and unoriginal hand sign, you have a very strange, albeit unique mascot. It's not an intimidating one, but is unique and culturally significant to your area. But, again, its name is inaccurate. Why couldn't you be the TCU Horned Lizards? Also, you call your women's athletic teams the Lady Frogs??! Who the heck would want to play for the Lady Frogs? Why not call them the Lady Mosquitoes or the Lady Spiders while you're at it? (I wonder if the University of Richmond does that... Hm... #BlackWidows)

Your actual venue, when I visited it last basketball season, was decent; but apparently, it wasn't good enough for a Big East Big 12 school, so you guys felt like an upgrade. That of course, means you're at the mercy of some local high school or community college, as that's where you've been playing your home games this season, I'm assuming.

All that being said, your campu$ look$ pretty nice; must be all of those donor$ from the oil and ga$ indu$try.

Your basketball program // Your football program

When I first said I was going to do a Mock about TCU, a few RCTers felt that would be a bit cruel, considering that you guys are newcomers to the Big 12 and your basketball program isn't really worth the trouble. They compared it to kicking puppies. I felt though, that to be fair is to be equal, and I had plenty of material to rib you about over the Dallas and Ft. Worth stuff. Plus, TCU is one of the few Big 12 schools I've actually visited. I can't even say that about K-State, really.

And, plus, after watching your performances against Tech and WVU, I would say that you lot are as worth of opponents this year as say... Oklahoma State is. So, I suppose you have that going for you. Congrats??

Your program is rebuilding was it ever really good to begin with?, and I respect the fact that you hired a guy like Trent Johnson to improve your performance and presence in the Big 12 basketball regime. But, when you're recruiting against the likes of Texas, Kansas, and hell, even Baylor... it's going to be hard to get top recruits. Then again, considering how many talented athletes have come out of that state, I have no doubt that in a few years, there will be plenty to go around between you, Texas, Baylor and Tech--haha, no just kidding, no one cares about them.

(P.S. We are not discussing the 2013 KU at TCU game. I still believe that our players were under the influence of JFK's ghost during that game. How else would you explain that loss??!?!)

All of that being said, your football program is something to be envied by us RCTers. And I know a few of us were majorly disappointed when you didn't get your CFB playoff bid. Oh well. Better luck next year.

Psych!

Personal Beef: Wichita vs. Wichita Falls

One final thing I want to say that is a personal beef I have with North Texans (or Texans in general; I don't care). Can you guys or y'all as you like to say, please stop calling Wichita Falls "Wichita." Because then, when you meet people from actual Wichita (Ks.), like me, you think I'm from Wichita Falls. If you wanted to name it Wichita, then why does it have a Falls after it?? No joke, I had a flight out of DFW where the flight attendant mistakenly said "Wichita Falls" instead of "Wichita" and the entire plane panicked, thinking we had all got on the wrong flight.

I don't mind that you named your town Wichita Falls, but can't you please call it Wichita FALLS, or Falls, and not simply Wichita? It's so confusing to us actual Wichitans.