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POINT: Tailgating is horrible, and icky.
Lady Cynthia Wickhammersley, 2-time winner of "Ms. Prim-and-Proper of Winchesterton County"
Ugh, is it that time of year AGAIN? With football season inevitably comes tailgating. EH.
But, you say, "Oh, it's great fun! Sitting out in the open air... for hours on end." I say it's more effective than water torture. "But the food" -- you say -- "and the beer and playing ladderball and the spirit of camaraderie before a football game!" So what? I can do all of that from my own house, and it's a much better option.
What times are KU football games, usually? 11 a.m., 2:30 p.m., or 6 p.m., right? Let's say it's an 11 a.m. game. Do you know what time we'd have to leave town to get a decent-ish spot by Memorial Stadium?? If I have to wake up 5 a.m. or whatever, it sure as hell won't be for a football game.
And you have to take so much crap with you! Food, awnings, plenty of water and beer or whatever, chairs, coolers with plenty of ice, maybe the portable grill. I'm not spending like an hour packing all that crap into the car or truck, and then an hour unloading it, and then another hour loading it all up again, and then unpacking it when we're back home. What's even the point?? The whole thing sounds like a bad float trip, except when you're on a float trip, you can at least cool down in the water if you get too hot.
Oh, yeah, that's another thing: the weather. You tailgate in August or September: sunburns -- sunburns everywhere! It's Kansas, of course it's hot as hell. Do you really expect me to sit outside for God knows how many hours "eating, drinking, and just hanging out" while I sweat my ass off? I could be doing that at home, except I'd also be getting grass cut and the lawn trimmed while I was at it. (And then I can clean up afterwards.) And, in October and November, it's as cold as the flippin' Arctic. So, of course, you have to take your heavy-ass coats and about 10 blankets -- just more things to pack and unpack from the car.
Also, the bathroom situation. If you're sitting outside for hours on end, where do you go?? The Union? Some rando person's house? No thanks.
Ultimately, everything you do at a tailgate, I can do at my own house. Invite plenty of friends over? Check. Have some burgers, dogs, and plenty of booze? Check. Enjoy the outdoors, but also the A/C'ed or heated indoors? Check. Do you have to worry about parking? Nope. Getting up early? Nope. Bunch of random drunk people ruining your day? Not so much. Spending money on tickets for a game where your team is probably going to lose? Definitely not -- that's what TV is for.
You want to go to games and tailgate beforehand? That's just fine. But don't think everyone in the world is down with it, because sometimes it's just isn't all that fun.
COUNTERPOINT: Nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING, is better than tailgating!
Sly B. Fisher, Slightly Drunk On-Duty Police officer
Tailgating is AWESOME!! I mean come on, THE FOOD!! THE BEER!! THE GAMES!!! It's all so great man.
It's like Christmas morning every Saturday and Sunday. Waking up at 5am to creep downstairs and get everything ready. You pack the car with all the wonderful things you could ever possibly want or need to eat, and then start off for the wondrous place know as the parking lot. Like any good trip, you have to stuff things in really tight and something probably gets bent or broken, but it is all worth it.
The anticipation as you drive for an hour or more to get the stadium is palpable. As you pull in, you are met with all the wonderful sights, sounds and smells of those who were able to get there before you. It's a wild assortment of kids throwing things, men spilling beer on themselves, and women either drunk and going crazy or nervously looking around to stop a drunk guy from grabbing their ass.
But when I pull in, everyone stops and gives me some respect. Because you see, I'm the law in this town, and so when I pull in, I do whatever I want. Ever see the drunk guy running around in his underwear? Yeah, that was me one time. You know the fat man who stops by to sample your brats and burgers and pretends to know everything about you? That was me, and I did a background check before I walked up, so I DO know everything about you.
In the summer, it looks like a beach out there: girls in skimpy clothes, younger guys jacking around throwing a football trying to impress the ladies, plenty of beer and food. In the fall, it's more like a camping trip. Everyone sits around the grill telling stories of "that one time the crazy thing happened". And even in the winter, you get to see snowball fights before the real battle in the stadium begins.
So really, there isn't any other way to take in a baseball game. After all, I can't get free food and do whatever the hell I want at home, my wife is there. Out here, this is my town, and I get to rule this bitch however I damn well please.
Ed. Note: Shortly after giving this statement, Sly was suspended on charges of corruption, bribery, and abuse of his position.