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Greetings, citizens of RCT! We're just on day away from opening the football season (and 69 days until the first basketball game, but who's counting?) and with all the predictions about how the team will do starting to leak out I figured it was time to add mine to the pile.
With Turner Gill gone to LIberty (where I actually think he'll do OK) and Charlie Weis (along with half of the 2009 Notre Dame team) taking over, optimism is running high in Lawrence. And why shouldn't it? Like March for baseball teams, hope springs eternal (or falls eternal in this case. Hopefully that term turns out to be not too apt).
But while predictions are done mostly for fun and to point to how smart you are after the season is over, I have developed a fool proof way of determining whether Kansas will win or lose. And, being the nice guy that I am, I have decided to share it with you:
Game 1: vs. South Dakota State
Turner Gill kicked off his tenure with a loss to North Dakota State. As a North Dakota native I could have told you it was coming, because North Dakota is awesome. Fortunately we will have no such troubles with what we call "the Dakota that may or may not even be there" because it is terrible. Except for Mount Rushmore, which is extra terrible.
Prediction: Kansas wins 42-7
Game 2: vs. Rice
Free Rice is a fantastic site where you can donate food (for free) to help end world hunger. It's also what this game is. As in a free victory.
Prediction: Kansas wins 31-13
Game 3: vs. TCU
TCU enters their first year in the Big 12 and will have to adjust to the step up in competition week after week, but more importantly will have to adjust these uniforms if they want to win. As a Vikings fan, I know that no team that wears purple has any shot in hell of winning.
Prediction: Kansas wins 17-10
Game 4: at Northern Illinois
Northern Illinois won the MAC last year, which we all know really means that Turner Gill won his 2nd MAC championship in 4 years. Also, in case you misunderstood the previous sentence, TURNER GILL BEAT THEM LAST YEAR so I think Charlie Weis will have no problem.
Prediction: Kansas wins 24-10
Game 5: at Kansas State
I don't know how Kansas can have an away game in state, seeing as no one cares about, and probably has never even heard of, any of the other schools, but the schedule never lies. Good thing for Bill Snyder that this one is at home too because if it were on the road he'd probabl pull an Uncle Leo.
Prediction: Kansas scores all of the points.
Game 6: vs. Oklahoma State
In his book Long Shot, Jeff Boschee said his least favorite road destination was Stillwater. Good enough for me. But if you need an actual football reason (not sure why you would) they lost their best QB in recent memory and possibly best receiver in recent memory.
Prediction: Kansas wins 14-7
Game 7: at Oklahoma
Seriously, Oklahoma chokes one game away per year. Landry Jones has injury risks, and after hearing Boomer Sooner just once the defense will no doubt be spurred on to a great performance because the OU band plays that damn song once for every yard the offense gains, if they successfully snap the ball, or if they eat their halftime orange slices politely. God I hate that song.
Prediction: Kansas wins 28-24
Game 8: vs Texas
This game is homecoming, and I know they would NEVER schedule a homecoming game that wasn't an absolute slam dunk of a win. Plus I think Texans are a bit, um, slow, seeing as they seemingly just realized the man they elected governor is in fact Rick Perry and that was a real election and not just a hilarious practical joke. Sounds like a lot of trick plays should do the trick.
Prediction: Kansas wins 14-3
Game 9: at Baylor
Kansas had a huge lead against a Baylor with RG3 and Kendall Wright last year, so with two guys I've never heard of as the focal point of the offense it should be a piece of cake. Before you say "but fetch, this one is on the road and thus will be a tough matchup" this is at Baylor, which so happens to be a Baptist school. So if a bunch of kids who are forbidden to dance sounds intimidating then we are screwed! Also remind me to tell you a great dating in Waco joke.
Prediction: Kansas wins 28-7
Game 10: at Texas Tech
I actually like the fine folks over at Double T Nation a lot. That's what makes me a bit sad to say that Texas Tech is just so boring. I'm pretty sure everyone loved them when Leach was in charge, but with Tommy Tuberville they just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I fell asleep there for a second. Anyways Tuberville likes ball controlzzzzzzzzzzz oh man it happened again. Let's just say he'd love Canadian football where, for the unaware you can score one point via the rouge, and no doubt would try to win every game 1--0.
Prediction: Kansas wins 9-3.
Game 11: vs Iowa State
Someone on reddit did a United States of college football map and, among the mistakes, was the insistence that Iowa State has roughly 2/3 of the fans in Iowa. Listen, I've been to Iowa twice. I've driven through Ames multiple times as well. The number of Iowa State fans I have ever met in my whole life is zero. K State fans travel to Iowa State and suddenly Manhattan looks like actual Manhattan. I'm still convinced the real reason we lost last year is because they were worried about getting out of Ames before dying of boredom.
Prediction: Kansas wins 28-13
Game 12: at West Virginia
If you can't have Missouri in the league, the next best step is to find a group of meth loving, IQs of 40 having, cousin loving people whose college wears a shade of yellow or gold, and by golly that's just what the Big 12 did. Welcome, West Virginia!
Prediction: Kansas wins 17-0
So there you have it, Kansas is a lock to go 12-0 in the regular season this year. I suppose I could have traveled into the future via my tardis to see just how it played out, but this requires much less work and effort, and is just as scientific. So if you're in Vegas between now and Saturday, feel free to put a bet down for me on Kansas going undefeated. Science!