No flowery introduction this time around. I would love to be able to say that it's appearing so late, on the precipice of Saturday morning, because of a ridiculous amount of work and effort were put into it. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. Instead, nasty things like college got in the way -- ugh. But, still, I'd like to think this is a solid effort. Please enjoy.
Also: Duke fans, if you read this, and it's way late on Friday night, so maybe not, but please don't take anything personally. It's all meant in good fun.
No real need for too much of an introduction, here. Duke is Duke -- everyone knows about them, everyone's heard about them. They are an university that is oh-so-simple to stereotype -- rich, spoiled, incredibly smart kids plus white basketball players, with minimal anything given to anybody by their football team. We aren't playing Coach Krzyzewski and Duke in basketball, though. We are playing them in football, a sport that is relatively unimportant on campus. And when I say relatively, I mean not at all. David Cutcliffe, keep on fightin' the good fight, but seriously, man, I feel bad. Duke isn't the place you wanna coach.
Of course, Duke and Kansas are similar as well. Just 8 or 9 years ago, the same things were said about the Kansas program. Now, the campus has adopted the football team as their second-favorite, upping attendance numbers (if not intelligence) and general support.
Enough of the hokey stuff, though. Let's move straight on through to the mean, nasty insults. That's what draws laughs, after all.
1 -- This Is Why Duke Sucks
I'm sure you've all seen it, by now. You've had to. If not, I posted it below (WARNING: VULGAR LANGUAGE), and if you don't mind some obscenities, I highly recommend watching it. It's hilarious. It's focused on the basketball team, obviously, because that is all Duke is known for. But it's a nice, easy way to
get used to making fun of Duke.
I want to touch on a couple of the highlights of the video. First off, Mike Kryzewski looks just like a rat or a ferret or something (and either way he's getting eaten by my cat). It's just fact. I mean, look at his face. I can see Hitler, too, but whatever, it isn't pretty. You don't see anybody comparing him to Jessica Alba or whatever.
Second off, what it is with Duke and ridiculous habits, I don't know. But between Scheyer's barbaric-like face, Paulus' penchant for getting dunked on (BALLS IN PAULUS' FACE!) and Jason (or should I call you Jay? You sure that's what you want? Jay? Who knows anybody who they like that is named Jay?) Williams' love of crying and cry-baby faces and pouting and all of that kind of stuff, it isn't hard to hate. They almost seem to try and do the stupidest stuff, just so people hate them.
But I digress. This isn't about the basketball team. That's a whole 'nother post. Nah, for now, let's just focus on the University and the Football program. The basketball team has too much ammo.
2 -- Yeah, They're Nerds
Oftentimes, Duke is painted as a 'nerd' school. Kind of the anti-Arizona State, for example. If you're looking for hotties, nuh-uh, but if you're looking to be surrounded by a bunch of other people who delight in wasting weekends at a time in the library, then hey. You're home.
Of course, perception quite often is not reality. So, while it's funny to just make jokes off of stereotypes (HAHA! EVERYONE AT DUKE PLAYS DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS LOLOLOLOL!), it's way better if they just provide you with ammunition.
Like, Idunno, regularly attending (and placing) at the William Lowell Putnam Mathematical Competition. The other schools who typically place are Harvard, Princeton, MIT, Caltech, Waterloo (WTF?) and Stanford. So, I mean, yeah, that probably isn't the best thing in the world for your image. But hey, it's math. A bunch of people are good at math. Even stupid people, sometimes. So I'll give them a pass.
However, what I WILL NOT give them a pass for, under any circumstances, would be this, found on their Wikipedia page:
The first working demonstration of an invisibility cloak was unveiled by Duke researchers in October 2006. -- LINK
You honestly couldn't make that up.
They are making an invisibility cloak. Who the hell knows what is coming next. Most likely, goblets of fire and, perhaps, magic maps that appear and disappear on commands. You know, other Harry Potter jokes.
Here's a hint, Dookies: THE MOVIE ISN'T REALISTIC! AT ALL! Harry Potter doesn't exist. Hogwarts doesn't exist. Please, give up on the dream of inventing Hogwarts, and move on.
Just wait, eventually they'll try and concoct some Dementors to fly around and suck your souls. Of course, some people have already experienced them, so why not just give Prison Mike a call?:
"The dementors, man, they flyall around and suck out your soul!"
So, yeah, way to go Blue Devils. Way to be grounded in reality.
3) Speaking of the (Blue) Devils
What kind of freaking name is a Blue Devil? I mean, sure, it's original, and that's always cool in collegiate athletics -- Lord knows we don't need another eighteen WIldcats in Division 1.
And their reasons for choosing the Blue Devils are impeccable:
The name comes from the French "les Diables Bleus" or "the Blue Devils," which was the nickname given during World War I to the Chasseurs Alpins, the French Alpine light infantry battalion.
"Yeah, totally man. I was reading this newspaper article, just for fun y'know, about World War One, and there was this group of French soldiers, and they were called les Diables Bleus, which of course means the Blue Devils (duh!), and I was thinking, maybe we could call our basketball team the Blue Devils!"
It wasn't exactly like that, though. Of course, reality could be even worse, as it was up for a vote. Yes, a vote. Of course, nothing was solved by vote. Apparently, there was no mathematical equation involved in the voting process, so the Duke students were left bewildered about what to do. They had no idea. So, they just left their ballots empty.
And so, the editors of a student-run newspaper just decided on the Blue Devils. No word on potential drugs that may or may not have been used at the selection of names.
Of course, let's be entirely fair. It's probably better than what they were referred to in the past, which was simply the Methodists (or the Trinity Eleven). Wow. What a dividing name. Oh, and I also love how they went straight from the Methodists to the Blue Devils. No religious middle ground, there? You either have to have your mascot be a denomination of Christianity or the supposed evil one in the aforementioned religion? Bringing religion a little too far into sports, methinks.
4 -- Way to Defend Yourself, There, Boss
By this time in the history of the world, I hope to Blue Devils that you've all heard of Urban Dictionary by now. If you haven't, I really don't know what to tell you. I guess just realize that the internet is a better place than you ever could have imagined.
Anyways, naturally, there are plenty of entries under the definition: "Duke Sucks". The first couple aren't nearly as funny as I expected, and I was all disappointed. But then, the third shows up, and it's pro-Duke. At least, I think it was. Here's the entry:
The BEST University in in the whole USA!
With the best men's basketball team in collage basketball.
Collage? What the hell do they freaking teach you? You need like an eleventy-eighty to get into the school, but I suppose knowing how to spell the word "college" isn't a requirement. Because that makes so much sense.
5 -- Great Picture or Greatest Picture EVAR?!?!?
6 -- How Stuck Up Is Duke? You Don't Even Know...
I'd surmise that some of you graduated college. As a college graduate, and even if you didn't/haven't/are in the process (ME! ME!), you probably know what BA stands for. No, not badass. Bachelor of Arts. But Duke, nah, they don't give out BAs. They give out ABs. Why?
We are often asked why Duke awards an AB degree rather than a BA. The AB form has been used here since about 1858. AB stands for the Latin Artium Baccalaureus, Bachelor of Arts. Our usage of it reflects the long tradition of using Latin in scholastic matters.
I wish I could be as cool as you. Of course, what makes this even more ridiculous, is that ever since 1933, when people began to realize that Latin was a dead language (took 'em long enough), they switched the actual writing of the words to "Bachelor of Arts", but continued calling them ABs. Wow. Pretentious much?
I wish I could get an Artium Baccalaureus instead of a Bachleor of Arts. Oh, wait, no I don't. I live in the 21st century outside of the Vatican. That's right.
7 -- FAMOUS ALUMNI TIME!
About time, I know. This is the part where just about no one could screw it up. Hopefully.
Tricky Dick was a Dukie. It all makes so much sense, now. You know, how he thought he could break the law and get away with it. The timeline doesn't really match up, I don't know. Coach K didn't become coach until 1980. Whatever, don't let facts get in the way of a good joke.
Kara DioGuardi. For those of you lucky enough, she's the female judge on American Idol that isn't Paula Abdul. She isn't as stupid, but that's not saying much, if anything. As someone who has watched way too much American Idol in his day (blame my mom), she's known for picking a fight with Bikini Girl (don't ask) and giving away covert, sexual references to hot, male contestants. I wish I was joking. During the day, she is actually a pretty good songwriter. And awful model.
If you don't know who this is, you are in the vast, vast majority. That would be Tucker Max, famous for his book (which is now a movie!) I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. inorite? From what I've heard, it's a legitimately funny book, if not incredibly and disgustingly vulgar, but it probably isn't the image you want on your University. The entire book is basically about drunken, sexual encounters he has with women.
Go Blue Devils! Go get drunk and take advantage of women!
8 -- Iron Dukes
Kenny kind of stole my thunder (jerk), but that's what you get for procrastination. Anyways, if you haven't already seen it, you need to see this picture:
A couple of things:
One -- I don't know why they put the smallest/least-ripped guy front-and-center. I mean, I'm obviously in no place to talk, but still -- dude probably couldn't lift that bar in front of him.
Two -- Who ever thought this was a good idea? Let's get all of our strongest football players (except one!) and have them take their shirts off, some holding weights, lather them up with oil, and yeah, that's our football poster. Uh, wut? I mean, I know it works with women, but do you know why? Because men like women in bikinis. Sure, maybe some chicks like guys that are ripped without their shirts off, but let's be real here -- who is the bigger target audience? And what guy looks at that and immediately thinks: "I HAVE to buy that."
Three -- This is my favorite part: the pillars in the background. Honestly, WTF? How do they have anything to do with the picture? At all? It sounds like there were two different groups of people involved in making the poster -- idealists, most likely Duke faculty members, and folks who think sex appeal sells everything. Mixing these two ideas is pretty awful. Yikes.
9 -- Wallace Wade Stadium
I'm terrible at PhotoShop, so just let me use my words, but what the flying hell are those green circles on the open end of the horseshoe? I mean, honestly. What. The. Hell. What could that possibly be? Are there eighteen gondolas on each open end of the horseshoe? Are those fans? Giant-ass trees shaped like the spinners from Life, the boardgame? I have no freaking idea. Any potential suggestions are greatly appreciated.
***
That's all I have. So sorry for it being so late, hopefully at least some of you can enjoy it before kickoff, which is less than 12 hours away.
Damn. We're about to play Duke. That's just crazy.
Ridiculous, even.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy.