I would say that we’re starting to separate the men from the boys, but I’m not sure that’s the case. Only five teams have winning records. Currently, Land Crab is in first in Division 1 thanks solely to non-division play, as they sit at 1-2 in the division. Are they sliding back to the pack? Three teams topped 145 points, and three teams failed to break 80. There are four teams tied for last place. Five more teams are only one game up on the last place teams. Any of those nine teams could be dancing at the end of the year.
The Cream of the Crop: Land Crab
The Bottom of the Barrel: Dante’s Afro
As usual, I’m using Points For as the tiebreaker for teams with identical records.
I wasn’t sure who to get as a guest commentator. So, I thought to myself, who has seen a lot of football? Who knows the players? We need someone older, someone who has been around the block a time or two. Maybe someone who has been an announcer, who has seen most of these guys play ball. Maybe a college announcer.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Brent Musberger.
mv: Welcome, Brent. Why don’t you go ahead and introduce yourself to our little community?
BM: You are looking live at …
mv: Brent, we’re not live. This is a blog. An article. People read it after the fact.
BM: You mean like a VCR?
mv: Ha, a VCR. Sure Brent. Yes. Like a VCR. Maybe we should just get to it. I thought maybe with all of your experience in college football, you would be a great resource to comment on some of the individual players that we deal with in fantasy football.
BM: I'm glad to be here. Sport is all about the fans.
mv: Ok, well, try to not break a hip or anything.
(Last week's ranking in parentheses.)
1 (1). Land Crab (7-2)
mv: Land Crab has failed to break 100 in three of the last four weeks, but has managed a 2-2 record. They really missed Peyton Manning on his bye week and fell to 1-2 in the division. We commented last week that their scoring was down, so this is becoming a trend. Will they recapture the magic they had earlier in the season?
BM: This Land Crab team isn’t your daddy’s Land Crab. But they could be again if that 49ers defense plays the way we all expect them to.
2 (4). Glengarry Glenn Dorsey (6-3)
mv: GGD absolutely curb stomped the Wheat Farmers this past weekend. It wasn’t pretty. They would have won even if the real Nick Foles had showed up. I hate fantasy football.
BM: I’m not sure what this fantasy football thing is that you keep talking about. Let’s throw it down to Swammy on the field.
mv: Um. Okay. I guess that means me again? Well, GGD will be without Jamaal Charles this week. Chris Johnson is a solid play against Jacksonville. The hard part is deciding if Nick Foles is gonna act like Peyton Manning again, or if GGD should go back to Colin Kaepernick. Either way, GGD is looking like a good bet to finish the season strong and possibly fulfill PenHawk’s prediction of a league championship.
3 (2). The Anti-Dentites (6-3)
mv: The Anti-Dentites are winners of three in a row and just knocked off the Peyton Manning-less Land Crab. They will welcome back Calvin Johnson this week.
BM: Well pardner, in the college game, you are able to run the option. You just don’t see that up in the professional game, the defenses are just too fast. The defenders are the best of the best.
mv: Right. Even though Robert Griffin does a spread zone-read option for the Redskins. Anyway. The Dentites will be sitting pretty if Griffin and Tony Gonzalez to come through this week, and hopefully for them, Matt Stafford will remember that he has the best wide receiver in pro football on his team.
4 (3). The Pinkys (6-3)
mv: The Pinkys are on quite a roll themselves, having won six of their last seven. They’re getting hit hard with Bye weeks this coming week, however, and will need to make some transactions to field a full roster for their showdown with Hip Hops Team.
BM: Well I don’t much about bye weeks. Let’s go to my ole buddy Jack Arute.
mv: Um, Okay, so, me again? I guess? They’ll need to pick up a defense, and probably another WR or RB. Knowshon Moreno will be back from a bye week, and Tony Romo will be slinging it against the Saints defense.
5 (5). Fighting 5.7s (6-3)
mv: The Fighting 5.7s still have two Kansas State Wildcats on their roster, despite being mercilessly rebuked last week. How has their owner not been excommunicated from the league yet?
BM: Now hold on folks. Why would you want to be kicking anyone out of the league? I was told this guy made a great call in the first round of taking a very underrated player, Doug Martin, out of Boise State.
mv: You’re right, Brent, we shouldn’t just go around kicking guys out because they like K-State players more than they should. That’s no reason at all.
6 (10). Denver Fax Machines (4-5)
BM: My best guess is that it’s because ole "Matty Ice" can’t concentrate enough on football with that beautiful wife of his back at home. Wow! What a beautiful woman! And I hear she can shoot some hoops, too.
7 (6). Papa Wheelie’s Boys (4-5)
mv: PWB might be in trouble. Aaron Rodgers will allegedly be out for the next 2-3 weeks with a fractured collarbone. There’s no viable backup on the bench. Time to hit the waiver wire. Is Ryan Tannehill still available?
BM: No, he isn’t available. He married his beautiful wife Lauren were married last year. Talk about a fella who outkicked his coverage!
mv: Okay, yes, she’s beautiful, but that doesn’t help PWB figure out what they’re going to do. With Victor Cruz hurt and Darren McFadden and Julius Thomas banged up, there might not be much they can do. A tilt with the Fighting 5.7s looms next weekend.
8 (7). Mantis Shrimp Murder Sticks (4-5)
mv: Case Keenum is the only quarterback on this roster. With CJ Spiller, Steven Jackson, and Ray Rice all having down years, I think the only thing MSMS can hope for is that these running backs all turn their respective seasons around in the second half.
BM: Well that play there, folks, reminds me of a time when a guy nobody knew about named Tom Brady stepped in for an injured Drew Bledsoe and never looked back. We might be seeing the same thing down in Houston this year.
mv: Wow, that was actually a coherent thought. Good insight, Brent.
9 (12). Sharnadoes (4-5)
mv: Sharknadoes will welcome Matt Stafford back from a Bye to go with three guys who are really producing right now in Le’Veon Bell, Marshawn Lynch, and T.Y. Hilton. Let’s forget the fact that The Wheat Farmers should have had that spot in the draft to get Stafford and focus on what the Sharknadoes can do to secure a finish in the top half of the league.
BM: Anyone who wants to finish in the top part of their league must finish strong. That right there, pardner, that’s what you gotta do.
10 (8). Hip Hops Team (4-5)
BM: Andy Dalton reminds me of a scrappy guy who played his college ball back at the University of Kansas. Todd Reesing was undersized, but had a heart the size of Kansas City. He always played hard and you could just tell that he loved playing the game.
mv: Brent, Andy Dalton is 6’2", 220. Are you sure that’s the comparison you want to make? Actually… nevermind.
11 (9). Rock Chalk Tupac (3-6)
mv: The "Drew Brees Revenge Tour" has stalled out for Tupac and for the Saints. The real-life Saints have dropped two of their last three, including last week to the humble Jets, while Tupac is on a five game slide, only breaking 100 points once in that time. It may take some drastic waiver wire action for this team to avoid the bottom of the league. Brent, what can they do to move up?
BM: Well there’s that man again, Drew Brees, the Purdue Boilermaker.
mv: Yep, there he is. We’ll see if he alone can carry this team. It hasn’t been happening for them.
12 (11). The Wheat Farmers (3-6)
mv: And now to the reason why I hate fantasy football. The Wheat Farmers lead the league in points scored against. And really, it’s not close – 37.05 points separate TWF from the next most points scored against (Denver Fax Machines). TWF has outscored three teams with better records. The Jayshox have the fewest points scored against and have the same record as TWF. If The Wheat Farmers had played The Jayshox schedule, they’d be 6-3 and in the thick of the title chase. People would be like, oh, The Wheat Farmers are awesome, they have such a great coach, he’s so cool.
Combine that with the draft order shenanigans, and they’re feeling pretty ripped off right now. Obviously, the emotional state of this team as well as Arian Foster’s hamstring are in question. Of course, as fate would have it, a showdown with The Jayshox looms on the horizon in Week 10. Any advice, Brent?
BM: To answer that, let’s ask "The Coach" Bob Knight. Coach, what do you have for us?
mv: Brent, Coach Knight isn’t here.
BM: Oh. Well, when is he supposed to show up?
mv: He’s not part of the interview.
BM: Aren’t we looking live at …
mv: No, Brent. We’re not. Come on, can’t you help me out here?
BM: Well, I think Coach would say that sometimes, the ball just doesn’t bounce your way. You can’t complain about it. You just have to buck up and roll with the punches. Fight your way through it. Good teams will find that moxie to persevere.
13 (14). The Jayshox (3-6)
mv: The Jayshox are out of last place!! That’s good news for them, but bad news for somebody else. PenHawk might have been on to something last week when he predicted these guys would not finish last. Zac Stacy continues to play well, and Rob Gronkowski is back and catching Tom Brady passes again. A.J. Green, Philip Rivers, LeSean McCoy – there’s a lot to like about this team. The Wheat Farmers better watch out.
BM: These guys have taken on the personality of their coach, much like the Fighting Mangino’s did for the University of Kansas several years ago. They’ll scrap and fight in every game, you’ll definitely have to bring your "A" game if you want to knock these guys off.
14 (13). Dante’s Afro (3-6)
mv: Dante’s Afro has several good pieces with Tom Brady, Frank Gore, Eric Decker, and Stevan Ridley. For some reason, though, scoring has been an issue, only breaking 90 points twice all year. I wonder if the league manager has given up, since Frank Gore (on bye) and Sean McGrath (0 points) were both in the starting lineup last week. I won’t mention that Tom Brady was on the bench in favor of Terrelle Pryor.
BM: Well, as my good friend Kirk Herbstreit might say, you gotta make smart decisions when you’re out there.
mv: You do indeed, Brent. You do indeed. Final thoughts?
BM: I’d really like to do a football game with Coach Knight alongside my good friend Kirk Herbstreit and the stunning Holly Rowe. I think we’d make a fantastic broadcast team. And remember folks, call your cable provider and ask about the Longhorn Network.
mv: Ohhhhhhhhhhhkay, thanks Brent, I think we’ve had enough. I mean, I appreciate your time.
Wow, what a disaster. I’m sorry, Rock Chalk Talk nation. I promise I won’t ask ESPN guys to do this anymore.
Well, at least until next year.
Going streaking: Glengarry Glenn Dorsey, five wins in a row
Going sliding: Rock Chalk Tupac, five losses in a row
Fantasy player of the week: Nick Foles, 54.7 points
Honorable Mention: Andre Johnson, 47.9 points
Honorable Mention: Tom Brady (benched), 42.5 points
Fantasy owner of the week: 3 way tie with 100%, Glengarry Glenn Dorsey, Land Crab, Rock Chalk Tupac
Fantasy owner of the weak: Dante's Afro, 69%