And down goes Frazier!! DOWN! GOES! FRAZIER!!!
However, still The Cream of the Crop: Land Crabs.
The Bottom of the Barrel: The Jayshox or The Denver Fax Machines, both 2-5. The Jayshox have the fewest points scored, however.
It’s still Land Crab and everyone else.
I still cannot get over how much parity there is in this league. 11 of 14 teams are either 4-3 or 3-4.
Entering the second half of the fantasy football regular season, I’m thinking this week we need to get some expert analysis in here to really help out our fantasy owners. I contacted the four-letter network to see who they had available. Within two minutes, I had a reply from a Mr. Mark May. Let’s see what Mark thinks of our league.
mv: Mark, after looking around our league for a few minutes, what was your first impression?
MM: I see your league is named "Rock Chalk Talk." What do you talk about all day? It sure isn’t college football, because I know for a fact that there is no college football played at the University of Kansas, ever.
mv: Wow. That really hurt. Tell me how you really feel about KU.
MM: I may be over the hill but I’m not down in the valley. I played in the Pro Bowl, a couple of Super Bowls and I’m a College Football Hall of Famer. I’m pretty sure that Kansas dropped football shortly after we beat them in non-conference play my senior year at Pitt.
mv: I see. So… who was it that played in the 2008 Orange Bowl?
MM: Virginia Tech played… someone. Does it really matter? It was probably some Big 12 team. Is the Big 12 still around? Wait, is that the conference that signed a TV contract with Fox? So those teams don’t matter to us.
mv: Oh boy. Let’s just get into the team by team analysis, shall we, Mark?
MM: You’ve come to the right place. After all, this is the college football pulpit. I will take your challenge, I accept your challenge.
mv: First of all, you contacted me, and secondly, there was no challenge.
MM: Come on, mikeville. That’s ridiculous. Act like you’ve been there before.
mv: What? Ah… nevermind. Just remember, Mark, we’re talking professional football here, ok? Shall we proceed?
MM: Challenge accepted.
(Last week’s ranking in parentheses.)
1 (1). Land Crab (6-1).
mv: Land Crab is currently head and shoulders above the pack despite picking up their first loss this past weekend. Peyton Manning gave it his all, but it just wasn’t quite enough as they drop to 0-1 in divisional play, but still maintain a two game lead.
MM: You know what, upsets happen. They just do. The key is, do these guys understand what happened? Can they get over it? Can they get their heads back on right? Can they correct the mistakes that led to this loss? There’s still a lot to play for here.
2 (4). Papa Wheelie’s Boys (4-3).
mv: PWB moves up to claim the second spot in our rankings this week. What makes this team so dangerous?
MM: Oh, no doubt here, it’s Aaron Rodgers. The guy can just flat out ball. With just a little help, he can lead your team to a championship. I will say this though… if you ain’t first, you’re last!
3 (6). The Anti-Dentites (4-3).
mv: These guys picked up a big win this weekend to get up above .500. They’ve been alternating wins and losses since Week 3. What can they do to become more consistent?
MM: If they could just get some help around Calvin Johnson, that is what they can do. I’ve been around football for a long time, and I’ve never seen a guy like CJ come along. Except maybe Larry Fitzgerald. If they could swing a trade for Larry, then they’d be in business.
4 (7). Glengarry Glenn Dorsey (4-3).
mv: GGD has ridden Jamaal Charles to a winning record so far. They struggled early on, but have won their last three in a row, including a victory this past week over previously unbeaten Land Crab. How did they knock off the #1 team in the league?
MM: Well, how does anyone knock off a #1 team? They just wanted it more than Land Crab did. That’s all. They wanted it more, and they went out and proved it by scoring more points.
5 (2). Mantis Shrimp Murder Sticks (4-3).
mv: MSMS suffered a crushing loss at the hands of The Wheat Farmers. Injuries have hit this team hard. All three rostered QBs are hurt. They’ve got Steven Jackson and David Wilson wasting roster spots. And Randall Cobb may or may not be back next week. What can they do? Are these guys in danger of having to practice any dance moves?
MM: Dance moves? No, they’ve still got a little time to right the ship. Once they get a few key guys back, they’ll be OK. I’ll tell you who needs to watch out for dance moves, and that’s everyone who isn’t me. My dance moves are stellar! You wanna challenge me to a dancing competition?
mv: I’ll pass. Do you still have Daymond Patterson’s contact info? Maybe he’s interested.
MM: Oh, man, I forgot about that cat! He played for KU "football" a few years ago, didn’t he! We had a little deal with them on "College Football Live." Ok, so KU does still have a football team. I remember now.
mv: Do you recall that 2008 Orange Bowl yet? Two top ten teams… who were they?
MM: If it was Ohio State then I’ve wiped it from memory because they obviously cheated to get there.
mv: I’d tell you to guess again, but this is spiraling out of control. Let’s get back on track.
6 (3). The Pinkys (4-3).
mv: The Pinkys started off a three game road trip with a loss. Why is playing on the road so difficult?
MM: It all comes down to crowd support. When the crowd is against you, it makes it very tough to play. Even when you have a great leader like Tony Romo, sometimes it can just be too much to overcome. Think of the great crowds at any SEC school. We all know the Big 10 and Big 12 don’t support their schools the way the SEC does. That’s why it’s so hard to win a road game in the SEC.
7 (8). Fighting 5.7s (4-3).
mv: Fighting has been pretty average offensively so far this year, never finishing higher than 5th in any given week in points scored. Yet, they have managed a winning record. What do you attribute to their success?
MM: Well, sometimes you just have to get a little lucky. There was a team a few years ago… I can’t remember who it was, the name escapes me. But they had this miracle run, lost to a rival in the final regular season game, but then went on to a BCS game and won it. I’d say that team was lucky. And I’d say this team has been lucky.
8 (5). Rock Chalk Tupac (3-4).
mv: Tupac’s scoring has been down lately, and that has led to three straight losses. How can they turn around their season?
MM: Let’s remember, Joe Flacco started his career at Pitt. If they would start Flacco for the rest of the year, they could go on a run.
9 (10). The Wheat Farmers (3-4).
mv: The Wheat Farmer’s offense has come alive the past three weeks, and they have claimed victory two weeks in a row now. It looks like they’ll be starting Josh Freeman at QB, as this team is getting hit hard by the bye weeks. Starting this week, their next four games are all on the road. What can we expect out of the Farmers?
MM: It’s never a good thing when your starting QB is from a school no one has ever heard of. There’s just no way to judge these guys, no way to know how they’ll respond under the microscope that is the NFL. Can he handle the pressure? He’s obviously made it this far for a reason. We’ll find out Sunday if it was a good reason or not.
10 (12). Sharknadoes (3-4).
mv: The Sharknadoes finally get off the schnide by picking up a win last week and inching closer to .500. Scoring is still an issue for this team, having broken 100 points only twice all year.
MM: They just need Matthew Stafford to stay healthy if they’re going to have any chance at all. Geno Smith is terrible, just terrible. I can’t say anything good about the kid, so I better just stop now.
11 (9). Hip Hops Team (3-4).
mv: Hip Hop has been a bit of an enigma, like most of the rest of the 3-4 teams. What can they do to stay out of the cellar?
MM: Larry Fitzgerald. Throw the ball to Larry Fitzgerald.
12 (14). Dante’s Afro (3-4).
mv: These guys are either very hot or very cold. You never know what they’ll do in any given week. What gives?
MM: If Tom Brady would play like TOM BRADY, they would be in first place, there’s no doubt. But as long as Tom Brady is playing like… well, like he is, these guys are in trouble. And you can’t bench him, not with Terrelle Pryor as the backup. If there’s anything more overrated than Ohio State, it’s Terrelle Pryor.
13 (11). The Denver Fax Machines (2-5).
mv: DFM began the league scoring lots of points, but the last three weeks have just been brutal. What can they do to put point on the board again and stay out of the cellar?
MM: Well, they should definitely trade for Dan Marino, Tony Dorsett, Antonio Bryant, and Mark May. Failing that, they should GIVE ADRIAN PETERSON THE BALL.
14 (13). The Jayshox (2-5).
mv: Well, back to last place for these guys. Is this team’s owner the one we’ll see dancing in a couple months?
MM: There’s no way this team finishes last. Not with LeSean McCoy on the roster. He is way too good, he can carry a fantasy team all by himself. Trust me on this.
mv: Thanks Mark! That’s a wrap for this week. Final Thoughts? Any bold predictions?
MM: Land Crab will win out and take the title. No one will challenge them at all, despite this past week’s setback. They are the Alabama of this fantasy football league.
mv: Tell us who will be dancing at the end of the year.
MM: I think at this point, it’s pretty obvious that is going to be Dante’s Afro. They’ve played the weakest schedule so far, having played both last place teams already, and have trouble scoring points. These guys are in for a rough ride in divisional play. Unless, of course, they pull an Ohio State and do something under the table that gives them a recruiting edge.
mv: Alright, I’m sure our team owners will keep those thoughts in mind. Any final comments on the University of Kansas Jayhawk football team for 2013?
MM: I was just kidding earlier, I know they play football there, if you can call it that, and I know they had a great season a few years ago and won an Orange Bowl. They need to get the right coach in there, it’s all about coaching. I always had great coaches, and that’s what made me the great player that I was. Great coaching equals great players equals great teams – that’s the formula for winning football. Great teams playing each other a lot also means great rivalries. I grew up watching great rivalry games like Michigan and Notre Dame, and there’s just nothing better than a great college football rivalry. I think it’s a shame what happened in the Big 12, especially between Missouri and Kansas, and A&M and Texas.
mv: Thanks Mark, appreciate your time today, thanks for stopping in.
Just keep in mind, readers, this is the guy who predicted Tim Tebow would play in the NFL for a long time and that Colt McCoy would be the next Drew Brees. He called Skip Holtz a "great" hire for South Florida. He claimed Mark Sanchez would leave New York more popular than Joe Namath. He also claimed Sal Sunseri’s hire at Tennessee would save Derek Dooley’s job. I think it’s safe to say the guy isn’t the best at predicting things.
And in case you were wondering, Georgetown was his "sleeper" pick during March Madness last year.
And yes – he really did claim he grew up watching Notre Dame and Michigan play each other. Mark was born in 1959. ND and UM did not play each other between 1943 and 1978. In 1978, Mark was a sophomore at Pitt.
Going streaking: Glengarry Glenn Dorsey, three wins in a row
Going sliding: Rock Chalk Tupac and The Denver Fax Machines, three losses in a row
Fantasy player of the week: Andy Dalton, 36.2 points
Fantasy owner of the week: Papa Wheelie’s Boys, 99%
Fantasy owner of the weak: The Pinkys, 74%