A Visitors Guide To mizzou "Sports" Arena

two things are sure: 1. this guy is a missouri fan and 2. no missouri fan reading this will get the joke. via www.funnystuffblog.com

Hello! You're traveling to the KU-missouri game in columbia! First of all, my condolences. Second, there are a few helpful tips to make your trip a safe one:

First, when traveling: former missouri coach norm stewart famously didn't stop in Kansas so that he wouldn't spend any money in the state. Please don't have any similar reservations. Kansas has been keeping the missouri economy afloat for years via the KC metro area, so your 40 dollars worth of gas is really a drop in the bucket. Secondly, though it might be tempting to hold your breath the entire time, missouri is a big state and besides, you'll get used to the smell.

The sniping between the two schools is legendary. missourians are proud of the time a band of fighters burned Lawrence to the ground. But when you remind them that they did so fighting for the right to own other human beings, that usually gets them to shut up (assuming schools in missouri teach students about the Civil War, and not just the latest and greatest in meth recipes).

For pregame meals, your choices are sparse. You'd be best off bringing some local BBQ, lest you be forced to dine on roast squirrel and grass soup.

Let's talk about the arena itself. mizzou "sports" arena officially seats a maximum of 15,061 people, though you would never know it because most nights are dress up like an empty seat night. Except for when they host Kansas. missourians are obsessed with Kansas. Their best wins are Bucknell and Bradley over Kansas in the 05 and 06 NCAA tournaments, as well as Northern Iowa and VCU the past two years. Their worst losses are, well, the 10 times a year they happen to them. Still that makes no difference to them. Listening to a missouri fan talk you'd think we were the school dooming ourselves to mediocrity in football and irrelevance in basketball.

Unlike at Kansas, where Allen Fieldhouse employees are classy as can be, they might try some underhanded tricks over there. For example, are you going with a friend? Well you might find yourself being told by the ushers that your tickets are on opposite sides of the arena. Fear not though for even on opposite sides of the arena the place is so quiet that you should still be able to have normal conversations as if you are face to face.

While some missourians have taken to making fun of the large Jayhawk at center court in Allen Fieldhouse, remind them that their nickname is shared by 45 other schools. It is the second most common nickname in the NCAA, but you can't blame them too much as they save their creativity for making terrible rap videos and finding new ways to lose games.

As an enlightened 21st century man, I am torn on the issue of cheerleaders at the game. It just seems a bit sexist and degrading to parade women around in skimpy clothing as some sort of male distraction. To give missouri some credit, they actually agree with me here: instead of cheerleaders, they have water buffalo cheering the team on instead. Something about missouri and importing from Africa, I guess.

After the game (which, if history is any guide, will be a rousing win for the visitors), you will likely be tempted in the parking lot. Fresh off blowing a yearly salary on the only game missouri fans actually show up to, your average missourian will need more money to shop for meth food at the local high school grocery store. To raise this money he'll probably try to entice you with an offer of his cousin and/or goat for the night. But resist this temptation and leave them all for each other.

Speaking of resisting temptation, you may want to try to speed to get back to Kansas as quickly as possible. It's understandable. But please remember to observe all road signs. Though you are used to driving 75 mph in Kansas, please note that the signs marked 70 on the side of I-70 in missouri denote the speed limit, not a monument to the person in the state who has the highest IQ (the actual number there is far lower).

While we empathize and know that no trip to missouri can ever be a pleasant one, taking these steps can ensure you are there for the shortest time possible, thus only forcing you to take two or three showers to get the stench off you when you get home, instead of the many multiples you'd need if you were there for an extended period of time. (Though if you've seen pictures you know that missourians and hygiene aren't great friends.)

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