A long, long time ago... I can still remember... how the football used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had the chance... I'd go watch Todd Reesing dance
And maybe, I'd be happy, for a while...
But September, it made me shiver
While every Jayhawk game I watched made me quiver
Bad news on the doorstep... I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I cried... when I read about our defensive "strides"
Something touched me deep inside... the day, the football... died
Last season... man what a nightmare. Who is ready to look ahead to this year? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
The following is a 100% correct assessment of how next season will play out. Let's go game by game and see how KU is going to turn things around next year and get back to respectability! Please note that my Kool-Aid intake went through the roof as I wrote this one (and honestly, it still isn't pretty).
Game One - McNeese State
D. J. Beshears runs the opening kickoff back for a touchdown and people start losing it. McNeese State then promptly marches on a 12 play, 75 yard touchdown drive to tie it up. People get quiet. From there, Kansas is able to move the ball on the ground while the defense actually forces a few turnovers (what the). Jordan Webb finishes the game 6 of 24 passing, which earns him the nickname "Kobe."
Final: KU 31, McNeesy 14 (1-0)
Game Two - Northern Illinois
For some reason, game two of the season is Turner Gill and company's time to shine. KU plays out of their mind, and expectations start creeping up. Kansas takes control of the game and Northern Illinois never gets their offense going. People start talking about a bowl berth.
Final: KU 28, Northern Illinois 17 (2-0 HOLY CRAP)
Game Three - @Georgia Tech
The bees knees are angry after last year's humiliating loss in Lawrence. Gill's team still doesn't know how to win on the road. Tech gets a few big runs on offense, while the Kansas offense can get nothing going. The run game stalls, and Jordan Webb gets pulled for Quinn Mecham at the start of the second half. When Mecham can't do anything, Gill puts Webb back in. Hey, who is coaching this team, Mark Mangino?
Final: GTech 31, KU 10 (2-1)
Game Four - Texas Tech
WHY CAN'T WE EVER BEAT THIS FREAKING TEAM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Kansas storms out to a big lead, scoring off trick plays, interception returns, you name it. Then, suddenly, the Jayhawks get up 31-5. Only to watch Tech start creeping back. Slowly. Scoring. Again. And again. Oh no. It's my freshman year, all over again...
Final: TTech 32, KU 31 (2-2)
Game Five - @ Oklahoma State
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee haw. Kansas defense takes a big step back in this one. When is the last time you saw us play college level defense against a Big 12 south team? Desperate to turn things around, Gill inserts a terrified Brock Berglund into the game with KU down 35-10 in the third quarter. The freshman delivers a huge play with his legs, then fumbles with Kansas about to score (hey, you know who else did that in his first game...)
Final: OSU 45, KU 17 (2-3)
Game Six - Oklahoma
Well, Mr. Berglund, you are now QB1. Who is your first start against? Why, its national championship favorite Oklahoma! Does anyone really think this one will be close?
Final: OU 63, KU 10 (2-4)
Game Seven - Kansas State
Kansas salvages its season with an improbable victory against a team that embarrassed the Jayhawks at home a season ago. Berglund, Miller and co. torch the porous Wildcat defense, while KSU can't get the ground game going. A huge win for the Jayhawks, while Manhattan riots Vancouver style after the game. A late KSU comeback bid falls short, and KU holds on. Bill Snyder announces his retirement after the game, as Kansas fans rejoice everywhere (since, you know... that old dude kind of has our number. Just slightly).
Final: KU 28, KSU 24 (3-4)
Game Eight - @ Texas
Garrett Gilbert throws seven interceptions for the Longhorns, but Kansas' offense can't keep the momentum going from the KSU upset. The Longhorns have too much talent on both lines, and eventually score some touchdowns in the second half. Bill Self is seen attending the game, wearing a t-shirt that says "Rick Barnes is my B*tch." Self apologizes after the game, claiming that he had to wear it because he lost a bet. Illinois coach Bruce Weber is then seen in public wearing an "Insert Bill Self derogatory phrase here" t-shirt. ESPN makes way too big a deal about it.
Final: Texas 35, KU 6 (3-5)
Game Nine - @ Iowa State
An ugly, low scoring slugfest takes a dramatic turn in the third quarter, as Darrian Miller rips an 88 yard touchdown run to give Kansas a 17-13 lead. The game is tied at 20 late in the fourth quarter, when a costly Iowa State fumble gives Kansas the ball in field goal position with no time left. Kansas lines up for a field goal, but tries a fake. It fails. Overtime. As Rock Chalk Talk readers go bonkers in the OGT, Iowa State throws a pass into the hands of Tyler Patmon on the first play of OT, which he runs back for a touchdown. Ballgame. After the game, Turner Gill defends his decision to go for a fake, telling the media "it worked in practice against the scout team this week. From that standpoint, we felt we had momentum. Sometimes, you just gotta believe."
Final: KU 26, ISU 20 (4-5)
Game Ten - Baylor
Bowl talk suddenly takes over Lawrence, and students start to BELIEVE. However, early in the first quarter, Brock Berglund is hurt on a sprint option and out for the game. Jordan Webb then suffers a concussion two plays later, and
Steamin Willie Beamen Quinn Mecham enters the game. The offense can't get rolling, so Gill turns to Blake Jablonski. Kansas has used four quarterbacks in the first half. Jablonski looks like a guy who has been scarcely practicing with the scout team all year. Kansas never gets it going in this one.
Final: BU 28, KU 13 (4-6)
Game Eleven - @ Texas A&M
After losing the previous week against Baylor, the Jayhawks come out flat and uninspired for the first time ever under Turner Gill. The camera shows a shot of George Bush in the crowd more often than Kansas picks up a first down. Ouch.
Final: TA&M 35, KU 3 (4-7)
Game Twelve - Missouri
Kansas unveils super cool uniforms once again for this game, while Missouri unveils super crap uniforms. Feeling good due to how awesome they look, Kansas strikes first with a 24 yard James Sims touchdown run. Missouri starts to get rolling, however, and the Jayhawks soon find themselves down by 14 at the half. Kansas fights until the end, but Missouri is just a little bit better (Tiger fans scream "just a LITTLE?!" as they read this).
Final: MU 38, KU 28 (4-8)